I Hate You SOOOOO MUCH...

Greetings readers for a slightly delayed edition of "What's YOUR Deal?!?" I spent this past weekend in Chicago commissioning my brother. For those unfamiliar, my brother had been in Navy ROTC and he graduated this year, which means he finished his training and is now an officer in the Navy. I got to read him his oath of office and like the Chief Justice did during President Obama's swearing in, I dorked it up (apparently, I still haven't seen proof). But the dorking up is mostly due to complete lack of sleep courtesy of United Airlines. For once, I'm not ranting about the airline itself, despite the fact that they cancelled my first flight, forcing me to drive 3 hours to LA to make my connecting flight. They at least had the decency to notify me of the cancellation so that I had enough time to get to LA. Kudos to them. I, currently, have a refund request for those legs of my flights that were cancelled. More on that issue in a later blog.

Today's topic is an open letter to idiot travelers making my life hard:


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Dear Idiot Traveler,

Why must you drive at the same speed as the driver in the lane next to you, leaving no room for anyone to pass you? Don't you realize that you're essentially blockading the entire highway? Why are you so inconsiderate?

On the same note, why must you walk holding hands with each other side by side? No, not the couples holding hands, but your entire family holding hands side by side by side by side, et cetera? You're not the Brady Bunch, Partridge Family, or the Teletubbies. You're not Dorothy trying to get to the Wizard of Oz on the Yellow Brick road with your posse. I don't see a Lion, a Tin Man, or a Scarecrow, even though some of you are stinky, slow, and scary looking enough to fit those names. Why must you take up an entire sidewalk, aisle, or walkway like that? I don't feel like playing Red Rover when I'm walking, unless it means I get to knock you down.

I don't know why the airline industy won't board planes from the rear to the front. I would like to think that first class passengers wouldn't mind sitting in the terminal rather than inside the stuffy airplane. I'm not justifying airlines charging to check bags, but why are you all so cheap? If your suitcase doesn't fit in an overhead compartment, you should've checked your bag. Why did you try to crush my garment bag with your oversized luggage? Did you not see there wasn't enough room for your supersized stuff? And why, oh why, idiot traveler, did you put a little backpack, your fanny pack, and your coat in the overhead compartment when the people around you haven't even boarded yet? You do realize that you can put those things under the seat in front of you. You're riding in coach, leg room obviously wasn't a concern for you when purchasing your flight. And why did you arbitrarily put your big suitcase in the compartment above my seat? Where is my bag supposed to go? I paid for my one pieces of luggage and a personal item, I deserve to have a place for it. You should pay me a rental fee for my overhead compartment spot. I suppose if we were allowed to board from the rear of the plane forward, it'd be the first class passengers that would have no room in the overhead compartments for their carryons. Oh well, they're flying first class, they can afford to check their bags.

Why must you keep waking me up, idiot traveler? Do you not realize that this was a red eye flight, where most people spend it sleeping? If you have a bladder issue that forces you to get up every 20 minutes to use the bathroom, you could've easily asked me to trade seats with you so that you get the aisle. I'm not that mean of a person.

Why, idiot traveler, must you fart in your seat? There's really not that many of us sitting in the area. It'd be hard to hide who farted, since it wasn't me.

Why, idiot traveler, do you have to talk really loud on your cell phone? I don't care that you're on your first airline flight or that your friend's boyfriend's mom is now dating your sister's best friend's brother. Why can't you use your inside voice?

Why, idiot traveler, why? Why are you so stupid and annoying? Why can't you be considerate of the people around you and realize that the world does not revolve around you?

Sincerely,
The People Around You

Perhaps logic WILL prevail... probably not.

Greetings readers! I know, it's a Saturday night and normally I post these rants on Sunday mornings, but I will be busy tomorrow and rather than getting angry Facebook wall posts from my friend Mentos for not posting a new rant... I'm doing so now. Shout out to Mentos! I just want the world to make sense sometimes, rather than this, which still boggles my mind... Watch this video at the 1:15 or so mark about the Tango Makes Three book:

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Seriously? A book about gay penguins tops the list of banned books yet again? Clearly, America did not read this old blog entry of mine: http://pooniethegreat.blogspot.com/2009/01/special-update-news-that-make-you-go.html The United States of America... the alleged shining beacon of hope, freedom, and humanity chooses to ban books about penguins while China, a shining beacon of Communism and state-sponsored censorship let two penguins get married. Am I the only one that sees something wrong with that concept? It's a book about a penguin family... not porn! You close-minded folks sure are perverted if all you think about are the private lives of Arctic animals. How can something this adorable be wrong? And how about this to twist your medula oblongata? Midwestern stalwart Iowa allows gay marriages while supposedly liberal hippie California doesn't? Holy Jebus people! The world has gone insane... Okay, before everyone's brain explodes in a less than spectacular gurgle of gray matter... I offer you one small victory in our ongoing fight against the airline industry: http://www.wgntv.com/landing/?United-Airlines-bumping-bigger-passenger=1 &blockID=267721&feedID=209 In case the link doesn't work... here are the key excerpts: "Passengers who are too large to fit comfortably in a coach seat will be required to buy a second ticket or upgrade to business class, where seats are larger, if United's flight attendants can't find two open seats for them. The Chicago-based carrier said it decided to adopt the tougher policy after receiving more than 700 complaints last year from passengers 'who did not have a comfortable flight because the person next to them infringed on their seat,' spokeswoman Robin Urbanski said. Most airlines in the U.S. spell out similar rules in a legal document called the 'contract of carriage' that establishes services and charges for flights, airline analysts said." Sidenote: 700 complaints? That's it? I think there are more people that quietly suffer without telling anyone or perhaps post their stories on this wonderful website: http://flightsfromhell.com/ Anyways, the article continues with a mention of a fat people fighting for their right to be fat and this: "'We'll first try to re-accomodate you on another seat on the flight,' Urbanski said. "If the flight is full, and that's not often the case these days, you'll be bumped from the flight." If this occurs, passengers will be forced to either find a flight with open seating or be required to buy two seats or an upgrade to a class of service with wide seats. If seating is not available and a passenger decides not to travel, the ticket will be refunded without any penalty, even if it is a non-refundable ticket." HALLELUJAH!!!!! But before anyone gets all up in arms about discrimination against fat people... think about this logically. Consider these points... (1) If your bags are too heavy, you get charged extra. (2) If you take too many bags with you, you get charged extra. (3) I fly with my cat a lot and despite the fact that he doesn't take up any more room beyond the carry-on space underneath the seat in front of me... I have to pay extra for him. And about point number 3... don't you dare give me a sob story about how people may be offended by the smell or may be allergic to the cat. Milo doesn't smell (neither did the late, great Monty) and even if he does, it's nothing compared to some of the funky fresh people I've had the pleasure of sitting next to. So... if you take up more room than what is allotted to you... why shouldn't you be charged extra? Why do I have to pay full price for half the space? I am entitled not to have your fat rolls touching me. No, it's not discrimination... you PHYSICALLY DON'T FIT IN THE SEAT. How about I put it this way... There's a plane... open seating... but there is a weight limit. Technically, there are enough seats for everyone... however, if everyone boards the plane... the plane will crash because it's too heavy to fly. If it's my tubbalicious butt causing imminent doom... um, I wouldn't fly on that plane. It's not discrimination... it's PHYSICS. Besides, being fat is a lifestyle choice... your fat rolls don't really have to come out... You don't need to rub that in our faces. What you do in the privacy of your own kitchen is your own business. I just don't want my family and my children exposed to your lifestyle. I might catch obesity from you, just by sitting next to you. I don't need you to try to convert me to your immoral acts of deviancy... (I can keep going with this...) So... let's summarize... gay penguin family is bad... fat people demanding more room for themselves at the expense of everyone else is okay? Hmmm... Yeah. Rock on. But... kudos to United Airlines for fighting the good fight.