Hey, Royal Highness? Care to join the rest of the world?

I spent the week contemplating a rant in which I list all the political things I believe in to demonstrate that I am far less nutty than some of the political candidates out there. And perhaps in hopes that if I'm ever fired from my current job, I can be someone's write-in campaign for political office. But seeing as my network of fans can fit into a small elevator... my grass roots campaign is less grass rootsy and more non-existenty. However, I'm sure many of you are aware of my political leanings and if you guys still want to see that list posted, please reply. But, with that said... Please get out to vote on November 2nd. If you're military and have absentee ballots, please send them in. No one seems to care about midterm elections but they're very important in getting things done for the people we elected during the Presidential election years. And all I'll say to that is, "Suck it, Tea Party... I like taxes, because it pays my salary and buys my fellow people in uniform shiney things."

So anyways... onward to the actual rant!

Sometimes I think I might really be crazy. I can take myself mentally completely out of a situation and look at it objectively. I can look at a situation, and mentally pan back to a third person point of view and think, "Wow, this can be hilarious from someone else's point of view!" When a decision needs to be made or an argument is going on, I can see both points of view. That's generally how I am. Don't get me wrong, I will argue with you to the death if I believe in something passionately enough and throughly love the process of arguing... but when it is all said and done, I can generally concede points that you win. The only exception to this is if I'm in a bad mood and PMSing, then everyone can Go F*ck Yourself! (Still think I should make bracelets that say GFY on them and sell them... any potential buyers? You can just tell people it says, "Go Find Yourself.") Apparently this mental ability is not very common...

This had me thinking about how many people are just in their own little world, unwilling or perhaps unable to realize the third person's perspective upon their actions. Westboro Baptist Church, I'm talking about you. And I'm also talking about people who do the following things:


1. People who write checks while checking out.

This is usually done by older people, who may or may now know how to use or may or may not trust ATMs. And if you're below the age of the AARP demographic... What'S YOUR Deal?!? But really? You knew you were going grocery shopping when you pulled your car into the parking lot, turned off the engine, got out of your car, and started walking into the store. You couldn't have at least filled out most of the check? Like maybe the date and who the check is for? You should at least know THAT much prior to entering the establishment. And perhsps that little memo line? if you like filling that part out? So all you'll have to do is put a monetary amount on the check and sign it and be on your way? But rather than doing that, you stand there... digging for your check book... asking the cashier what the date is... how to spell the name of the store... slowly writing out your last will and testament on that memo line... all while I'm standing behind you with a rotisserie chicken that belongs less on the conveyor belt and more in my belly. So, next time you feel compelled to write a check, please have the decency to realize that the more time you take... the more people are standing in line behind you... waiting for you. You. You, who are at that very moment, stopping the progress of humanity. Think about that.


2. Peeple who can't park.

I know I have little room to speak on this matter being Asian and female, but bear with me. I am aware that there is truth to the stereotype. However, I highly doubt that the Dually Crew Crab Pickup Truck with a Hemi engine, a 3 foot lift, and a Confederate flag in the back window belongs to any Asian female driver. Why the hell does your truck need to take up 3 parking spaces? What the hell is so special about your overgrown Tonka truck that it can not possibly risk anyone parking near it? Or are you THAT inept at driving that you're actually being called out by an Asian female driver? And this doesn't just apply to the big ridiculous Overcompensation-Mobiles. Why can't people put their cars in parking spots and not be diagonal or taking up another space? Unless you're a cop, ambulance, firefighter, or perhaps Knight Rider.... you have the time to re-park your crooked vehicle... or else you'll be mocked by Asian female drivers...




3. Slow walkers... in packs...

While it is true that pedestrians have the right of way... that doesn't mean you get to amble your way across the intersection slowly, holding up traffic. Or if you're just walking slowly in general, please at least make it easier for someone in a hurry to try and pass you. There is no reason that you and your posse needs to walk places like you're in West Side Story, in a line, creating a game of Red Rover for the people around you. Again, impeding the progress of humanity. You. Stop. Or actually... move. Faster.


4. Loud talkers.

Ca-CAW!!! Ca-CAW!!! SQUAWK!!!! No, these are not the sounds of a bird-watching trip... this is what you sound like when you're talking loudly about stupid things. I don't care that your child is a freshman in college this year... I don't care that you lost your virginity in your roommate's bed back in 1805 when you were a freshman in college... I don't care that you ran out of Vagisil wipes. I don't. When I can hear... word for word... what your conversation is and judge your idiocy level from afar, there is something wrong. While, I admit, my friends and I get into some shenanigans and get rather rowdy, but never EVER are we having what apparently seems like a serious conversation on a what appears to be a loud speaker embedded in our mouths. Please... If I can Mystery Science 3000 your conversation, there is a problem.


5. People who don't realize that they're laughed at...

If you do the above things and don't feel guilty or don't realize that I'm talking about you... *face palm* I'm sorry. If you're a Friendship Predator and don't know how to fix yourself... I'm sorry. I enjoy mocking you. You are the reason, "What's YOUR Deal?!?" exists. I want to eliminate you from society, but you fuel my theraputic rantings. Your obliviousness to the world around you is a plague that threatens to consume the world. How much more clear can I be? YOU ARE THE REASON I WROTE THIS RANT!

It's disappointing that most people don't realize how the world views them. Groups like the Westboro Baptist Church that protest military funerals and claim that people die because God hates that America loves its gay people... dont' realize that their message makes no sense in the context of everyone else. Politicians that campaign against taxes and infrastructure improvements while complaining about how the roads and public transportation suck rarely get called out. The world is filled with these people... that are completely clueless that they're a joke. Every single day, we encounter these people are shake our heads. Are you one of them?

Things I Don't Care About...

What's YOUR Deal?!? was originally created as a weekly editorial for the UIC Today, a now-defunct student-run newspaper for the University of Illinois at Chicago. I always knew that I wanted to write and I figured that bored people would need things to read in class, on their commute, or even in the bathroom. Apparently, I developed quite a following and the things I wrote that called out the idiotic behavior of those very people that read my column apparently was amusing to them. Who knew? Did I make a difference? Did people change their behavior for the better? I have no idea. I've been writing editorials since high school. So, for over a decade, I've ranted and raved about things that bother me, ranging from people leaving shopping carts in parking lots, burger misalignment, and the airline industry to more serious topics like politics, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Sarah Palin, and the ever ridiculous Westboro Baptist Church. It would appear that I care about a lot of things and that I get worked up about little things in life. While that may be true... this edition of What's YOUR Deal?!? is an incomplete listing of things that I do NOT care about. I say incomplete because, well... there may be things that I don't care about that didn't even pop into my brain, and I reserve the right to not care about it more in the future... Anyways, onward to the countdown!

5. Infomercials.

While they are infinitely entertaining...



I don't think I can ever find myself seeing an infomercial and saying to myself, "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM INCAPABLE OF POURING MILK INTO MY CEREAL WITHOUT A PRODUCT THAT I CAN GET FOR 10 EASY PAYMENTS OF $9.95!!!" Sorry, Ron Popeil, Billy Mays, and the Sham Wow dude... I don't care about you. But I will laugh at things like this though:



"Whew... that's it..."


4. Your religion.

I am Buddhist. I don't really understand why people think that is a religion, because it's really not. It's more a proactive way of life. I don't do things because a book tells me not to, I don't do things because I think they're a bad idea. Likewise, I do things because I think it's a good idea... all by my lonesome. I don't have a problem with people and their religions. In fact, Buddha has been quoted as saying:

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

That makes sense to me and that is why I do the things I do and believe the things I do. I really don't need people telling me I'm going to hell or argue with me using their version of moral judgement on the world. I don't care. I don't care if you're Christian, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Mormon, Hindu, Buddhist or whatever. This doesn't mean I don't respect your religion and your beliefs. I will never go out of my way to offend you, but if you're a member of the Westboro Baptist Church or any other such group.... GAME ON! If you find the Bible, the Koran, or whatever words of Jebus (yes, Jebus) soothes your soul, then go for it. You have the right to believe in whatever you want. But, have the respect to realize that I didn't go to your church for a reason, so.... don't bring it to me. However, I do welcome open-minded discussion on religion, if you promise not to be offended when I ask, "Why?" a billion times.


3. People that have a false sense of superiority.

Whatever happened to everyone is created equal? People seem to have a need to find a way to make themselves more superior to others. Whether is because they're in the majority or because they simply have nothing better to do, if they need to remind me of their greatness and awesomeness through words? There is a problem. They, perhaps, are not nearly as awesome as they think they are. Or they're afraid that respect is a zero-sum situation. That is someone else gains equality, then therefore someone else must lose some. Quite frankly, this quote from Homer J. Simpson does NOT fly with me: "I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are. " Nobody is perfect and the quicker the people of the world figures out that everything does not revolve around them and their belief system, the quicker we'll get to world peace. If you're desperate for attention and approval, please don't talk to me. I believe in pointing out people's flaws and hoping they'd notice that they need to fix themselve. I enjoy finding out what makes people tick and the poking them there until they cry. This is the purpose of What's YOUR Deal?!? I can't personally make the entire world cry, so please, forward my blog to your friends that need a kick in the junk. Just because you outnumber me, does not make me any less right. Fight stupid. Only you can prevent stupidity.


2. Guilt trips.

I just simply don't care. Guilt trips are so ridiculous. Why should I feel guilty about other people's stupidity? I've spent over a decade pointing out other people's stupidity, in hopes that they will change. Unfortunately, thus far... the world is winning. Do you guilty about that? I'm talking about you. Yes, you. You who have failed in your role as a human being on the planet Earth. You don't feel guilty, do you? Damn. Welcome to my world.


1. Your feelings.

And finally, I really don't care about your feelings. I don't care that I've insulted you. Because I only insult those that deserve it. And you do. No, I won't feel guilty for calling you out. No, you are not better than me. No, I'm not going to hell for believing the things I do and not believing in your insanity. And no infomercial product can possibly save you. I really do hope that you find yourself being the subject of mockery among those that sees your bovine feces for what it really is... a big steaming pile of crap.


So folks, there you have it. These are the things I don't care about. Have a good day.