Leave Spam Alone!

Greetings readers! It has come to my attention that a lot more people have possibly seen this blog than I’ve previously realized. Excellent, please tell your friends or do your part to save the economy and buy my shirts. http://www.zazzle.com/docpoonie It’s nice to get my message across to more and more people every week. It gives me an immense sense of personal satisfaction to know that at least one other person thinks that what I say is neat. I’ve often contemplated about how to best propagate my propaganda. For some reason that last sentence made me giggle a little, because way back in the day in high school, I ran for Junior Class Vice President and my entire campaign centered itself in the bathrooms. I had posters plastered in every stall and over every urinal, knowing that everyone would have to see them at least once, and in fine print on the bottom of the posters were the words “Brought to you by the Proprietors of Predictable Propaganda.” It made me happy that I won that election… and subsequently advertisements in the bathrooms were banned at my high school. Go figure. I have no idea why I decided to share that little tidbit of my past with you all, but sharing is caring… and I love you all (maybe). But the point remains, at what point are advertisements funny and witty versus irritating and annoying. I suppose there’s a multi-billion dollar industry to answer that question, but it’s readily apparent what advertisements are irritatingly annoying and that’s internet spam. At what point does ANYONE think it’s a good idea to e-mail people with offers of elongating your penis and then a few minutes later another one with enlarging your breasts? I suppose there are people that may have both and want both to be bigger… To each their own. And it’s not just those ads, it’s all of them. I don’t want to see a little dancing pop-up floating across my screen as I’m trying to click on the 10-day weather forecast. So, this week’s rant is inspired by my friend Shannon. Shout out to Shannon! We were having a conversation about internet spam and why such a horribly annoying concept has been associated with such a tasty little can of luncheon meat. Spam gets such a bad name, yeah the goopy stuff on top when you open the can is rather odd, but honestly Spam is some good stuff. If you ever go to Hawaii, they serve Spam, eggs, and rice as a breakfast option. If McDonald’s can serve it… it has to be good, right? Oh wait… maybe not. What makes Spam any different than… say a hot dog? Personally, I don’t see a difference between the two uber-processed meats. At first I suggested to Shannon that instead of Spam, we should call it internet fruitcake because it’s everywhere and everyone has one somewhere. Unfortunately, she pointed out to me that that’s a term associated with gay people. Then I guess everyone on the planet has a gay person in their closet somewhere. So, I hereby declare form this day forth… we shall all make the effort to call the junk e-mail we get… Internet Brussel Sprouts. Or IBS… just so it’d be synonymous with Irritable Bowel Syndrome… nobody ever needs IBS of either kind. I would webcam myself doing something like this, except replacing the word Britney with Spam: But, I think I scare enough of you already and it’s always fun to bring up oldie, but goodie YouTube videos. Stay tuned next week for my rant against people who don’t understand the concept of orderly lines. Have a good one everyone!

The Cause of Road Rage... It Just Might Be You...

Greetings to the fans of What's YOUR Deal?!? Today, I write my blog in California! Finally, I have moved out of the frozen tundra and to a place where the shovel I carry in the back of my Jeep will be used if I'm stuck in sand rather than snow. However, all is not sunshiney goodness in the world of Poon... if it was, this blog wouldn't exist and we can't have that, can we? Of course not. So, what can possibly have pissed me off on my beautiful trek through the Pacific Northwest and down the state of California? I can almost just hear the chorus of your thoughts saying, "STUPID PEOPLE!" That makes me smile on the inside, knowing that my readers are starting to see the world as I see it. So yes, stupid people. Stupid people driving vehicles. Stupid people driving vehicles that can KILL me going at highway speeds (although, the term "highway speed" was arguable during parts of the drive). I know, here is an Asian female writing a rant about drivers! Go ahead, laugh... it's pretty funny. But, I make no claims about my own driving prowess, in fact, my people are infamous for things like this: Although, that's not an Asian specific thing, apparently. There are some retarded people operating large machines on the roads that are a hazard to not only my life but also my sanity. Allow me to discuss a select few... First, have you ever wondered where traffic starts? Like, how a road that is going at 70+ miles per hour sudden slows to a crawl for an inexplicable reason? Well... I had that question answered for me the other day. There I was, crusing at slightly above the speed limit... then BAM... brake lights and slowing. WTF? There was one car, driving BELOW the speed limit in one lane and a Winnebago in the other... both literally impeding the forward progress of humanity. Honestly, if you're driving and all you see is open road ahead... for the love of all that is holy, LOOK BEHIND YOU! If you see a parking lot of cars BEHIND YOU and there's no way for them to get in FRONT of you... YOU, my idiotic friend, ARE THE CAUSE OF TRAFFIC! Yes, you. You are THAT guy/gal. This leads me to my second qualm about idiot drivers... people that apparently do not have the reading skills to comprehend signs that say, "SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP TO THE RIGHT"... unless you're driving a NASCAR at NASCAR racing speeds.. you ARE ALWAYS slower traffic. There will ALWAYS be someone going or trying to be going faster than you. This is ESPECIALLY the case when you're driving a motorhome and pulling a trailer. Merge right and let people PASS YOU and then you can go back to putt-putting along and being oblivious to the rest of the world. I wish I had a battering ram to nudge these people off the road... just spin them out a little... And finally, this really isn't the cause of other people's road rage, but what is the deal with bumper stickers? Yes, some are hilariously funny, but the unfortunate thing about bumper stickers are that people leave them on their cars long after they're pertinent. First off, what would EVER compel someone to put Election bumper stickers on thair car. The election season is only but a mere few months long but you're gonna be leaving your bumper sticker on for the life of your car? As if it isn't bad enough to have a sticker like that on your car, it's hilarious when you chose the non-winning candidate. (No one's a loser, right?) How much longer do I have to see a McCain-Palin '08 sticker on your rear end? Hell, one time I saw a Dukakis sticker! And what about those bumper stickers that say, "My child is an Honors Student at ______ School?" How long do those kids have to endure being an academic All-Star when they were 10? This was especially hilarious when a bunch of them piled out of a minivan at a gas station, all of them looking like they're the poster children of the Montana Meth Project. There is the face of your Honors Student. Congratulations. Although, I think this should trump all: And with that... thanks for reading this week's edition of What's YOUR Deal?!? Stay tuned next week for the exciting continuation of my ranting and raving.

Some sentimental drivel...

Well folks, this is the last "What's YOUR Deal?!?" I'll be writing from Great Falls, Montana. Worry not, I plan on continuing my weekly excursions into the depths of the pitiful colon of humanity when I get to California. I'm sure you're reading the words, "pitiful colon of humanity" and wondering about my mental stability... but bear with me and read this article from:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/05/world/americas/05briefs-9YEAROLDSABO_BRF.html?_r=5&ref=world

If the link doesn't work, here is the full text of the article, dated 5 March 2009, from the Associated Press:

"A 9-year-old girl who was carrying twins, and whose stepfather is suspected of raping her, underwent an abortion on Wednesday despite complaints from Brazil’s Roman Catholic Church. The stepfather has been jailed since last week, the police said. Abortion is illegal in Brazil, the country with the most Roman Catholics, but judges can make exceptions if the mother’s life is in danger or the fetus has no chance of survival. Fatima Maia, director of the public university hospital where the abortion was performed, said the pregnancy, which was in its 15th week, posed a serious risk to the girl, who weighs 80 pounds. But Marcio Miranda, a lawyer for the Archdiocese of Olinda and Recife in northeastern Brazil, said the girl should have carried the twins to term and had a Caesarean section. 'It’s the law of God: Do not kill,' he said in comments reported by the newspaper O Globo."

You see what I mean about humanity's colon? Seriously, I don't care what side of religion you're on, or what side of the abortion debate you're on... this story has more than enough f'ed up aspects to it to infuriate anyone. I'm not sure what's more messed up, the rape, the child abuse, the abortion, or the reaction by the church... or any combination of the disgust I felt in the pit of my stomach for the entire situation.

Well... with that said... the title of this week's rant is "Some sentimental drivel..." so this is actually less a rant than me just pontificating as I'm sitting on the floor of my empty apartment, typing on my laptop which is sitting on a box next to an air mattress that my cat has stolen for his own personal use.

Call me a spoiled capitalist yuppie... but I really miss having stuff. I miss my TV that's usually on constantly as I'm listening to the news, sports, The History Channel, or the Discovery Channel in the background while I read about random topics that pique my interest on the internet. I miss my bed and having a chair. But even sitting within the empty walls of my apartment, with all my stuff on a moving truck heading to California, I realize I have it better than a lot of people in the world. This is especially relevant seeing as how the economy is taking its slow downward swirl along the porcelain sides of the American dream, consuming everything in its path.

I love listening to the debates from conservatives and liberals regarding what to do with the economy... it's actually ridiculous. We have on one side, people wanting to cut goverment spending so as to not deepen the national deficit, which makes sense, the deficit is ridiculous right now and getting worse. We have on the other side people saying we need to stimulate the economy my throwing money at it, which also makes sense because without money, there is no economy. Now... who's right? Unfortunately, people don't see that both sides are right... and bipartisan politics is equally as offensive to me as what happened to that poor 9-year old in Brazil.

I'm not an economist, I suck at math, but this is my take on it all. The issue is really which is more important to people now. Yes, a deficit that we'll be trying to pay off forever is bad. However, without help, there are people that have no jobs right now. Because the banking system is so f'ed up, people can't buy anything, if people can't buy anything, then manufacturing dries up, and those workers that manufacture stuff... they now have no job. And with no job, there's no buying stuff... the swirling sensation you are feeling is your livelihood going down the toilet.

So... the way I see it is that we gotta throw money into the toilet to clog it... to stop the flush of economic doom. "But we're throwing money away!" Yes, I know... but if we clog the toilet early enough, you can reach back in there and grab the money you threw in. Ta-da! I really should seek elected political office. I'm sure I can turn this into a PowerPoint slideshow.

Oh well...

Apologies for this week's rant being not all that ranty, I've been too busy to truly get outraged about something... other than the entire process of moving. It's so strange to pack up everything and just go. But so such is the transient lifestyle of someone in the military. At least this time I relatively lucky and I get to be stationed with a big group of my friends, so it's not really a goodbye to most people at it is a, "See ya in California!" And in today's technology driven world we're never at a loss of contact with people unless they really don't like you enough to hide from you. I mean, how many people do we "stalk" on Facebook daily with what I call the "Stalker Feed." So and so uploads some pictures, next thing you know you're clicking through pictures of the birthday party of someone you haven't seen in years. So... I guess there really is never a goodbye. I'll definitely miss some of the people that I'm leaving behind in Great Falls... folks like my vet (such awesome group of people) and the people I work with (for better or for worse).

Yeah... well, I hope everyone keeps reading my rants and joins me in my righteous outrage over the stupidities of humanity and life in general. Peace.

More news stories that made me go WTF?!?

Okay... before I start my weekly tirade against the ever increasing mounds of bovine excrement that permeates our lives... I want to give a shout out to the RevSpitz that responded to my last rant. HILARIOUS! I haven't gotten a response like that since college! To those of you that have followed me since then, you know what I mean... and to those that are new to the "What's YOUR Deal?!?" experience, I would regularly get angry (and mostly nonsensical) responses to the editorials that I wrote. At one point, I think someone tried to blame me for the 9/11 attacks. Seriously! But anyways, I would like to give RevSpitz the "What's YOUR Deal?!?" idiot of the month award... for vainly trying to fight me on my home turf of common sense and for providing a very salient example of everything I was ranting about last week. Kudos, my friend. However, if I were you... I would cut down on the pictures of dead babies... I find that you get more positive responses when you put up pictures of cute things... like kittens: On a more personal note, said kitten is rather freaked out about me packing to move. He's looking at me like, "WTF?" and then with a more pitiful gaze of, "Don't leave me!" as he jumps into boxes and suitcases as I'm packing. But despite the overwhelmingness of it all, there are definitely things that deserve mockery over the past week. Let's begin... President Barack Obama's Address to Congress was earlier this week and did anyone else find it ridiculously odd that people just sporadically burst into applause? Seriously? Should I be randomly taking abrupt pauses in my speech waiting for you folks to start clapping? *waiting* *waiting* *waiting* Done? Okay... good. But the true WTF moment of the night revolved around Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal response to the Obama address. Unfortunately, I was on alert when the speech was given and I didn't get a chance to be more timely in my response. However, I, like many other people in the interweb land, including my friend Abby felt that Gov. Jindal, bears a striking resemblance to Kenneth the Page from NBC's 30 Rock. Exhibit A: Exhibit B: But... with that aside, as well as this humorous take from MSNBC's Rachel Maddow: I offer you... BizarrObama from my cousin Monica: http://shadowofsputnik.blogspot.com Pretty funny stuff. I wish I came up with it myself. Anyways... next WTF moment of the week... Octopussy. No, I'm not talking about the James Bond movie. I'm talking about Nadya Suleman. Who? Octopussy... the woman who shot eight babies out of her birth canal in one sitting? Oh, now you get it. And no, it's not vulgar. Afterall... Octopussy WAS the name of a Bond movie. Go take it up with Hollywood. Why am I talking about Octopussy? Besides the fact that I get to write Octopussy repeatedly in this paragraph? I offer you this article: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2009/02/25/2009-02-25_octuplet_mom_nadya_suleman_fears_hospita.html There are SEVERAL things in that article that made me want to scream... First: "The 33-year-old unemployed mother of 14 depended on food stamps and disability to care for her six children even born before she became known as Octomom. She's been living with her half-dozen kids in her mother's three-bedroom home in suburban Los Angeles, but the house is under threat of foreclosure." What's YOUR Deal, woman!?! I think I will steal Rachel Maddow's response here... Ba... ba... bah... bahbahbah? That is such irresponsible motherhood! STOP HAVING CHILDREN WHEN YOU CAN'T AFFORD THEM! I can't even imagine the thought process... "Gee... I can barely support myself and my litter of children... hmmm... let's go to a fertility doctor and have MORE kids." It's not like she ACCIDENTALLY got pregnant having unprotected sex... this woman made a CONSCIOUS decision to have MORE children. Un... freakin'... believable. Not to mention the utter irresponsbility of the doctor that let her do that. Hippocratic Oath anyone? Do no harm? Guess not... Maybe I should find where that guy went to medical school... maybe he or one of his classmates will prescribe me some Oxycontin or something for no reason except for the fact that I want drugs. But... THE ABSOLUTE HIGHLIGHT of this article is this: "A major porn company has offered octuplet mom Nadya Suleman $1 million to star in a skin flick. Vivid Entertainment is even willing to sweeten the deal by giving Suleman's massive family full medical and dental insurance if she agrees to get naughty in multiple videos, TMZ.com reported. 'Your movie would be distributed under our Vivid-Celeb imprint, which has released titles starring such personalities as Pamela Anderson, Kim Kardashian, and most recently, former Miss USA Kelli McCarty,' Vivid Entertainment Chairman Steven Hirsch wrote in a letter to Suleman." AHHHHHHH!!! Octopussy coming to a computer screen near you!!!! There are two ways to take this news... (get your minds out of the gutter!)... (1) If she accepts the offer... I suppose she's finally be financially responsible enough to CARE for her litter of children... however... I don't want to fathom Octopussy Porn... And (2) if she doesn't accept this offer... it'd be the first smart thing she's probably EVER done. Now that I've sufficiently traumatized you... For more outrage: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap_travel/20090227/ap_tr_ge/eu_travel_brief_ireland_ryanair_pay_toilets It's well-documented how much I HATE the airline industry with a passion... but this... this... is ridiculously retarded. I know, you all are probably thinking, "No way... this is dumb!" But remember when airlines started charging for checked luggage? It started with one airline... We all thought the same thing... there's no way! Fast forward to today... people are bringing absurd amounts of carry-on luggage onto the plane to avoid paying to check a bag. When will this idiocy stop? Here's Mad TV's take on it: I will pee on RyanAir's seats before I will pay to use an airplane toilets. The fight against stupid continues... and stupid appears to be winning.