The Announcement: A Confession from Poonie

At last, a long awaited "What's YOUR Deal?!?" I'm actually surprised that you are reading this. Props to all of the other people that have been requesting a new "What's YOUR Deal?!?" I'm glad I have such a loyal fan base. Please tell your friends and buy a t-shirt! This edition, much like the last one comes in a slightly different format than all of you are used to. There is no particular reason why and I will likely resume my classic, "This is what has pissed me off about the world lately," that you have all come to expect. Without further ado and by semi-popular demand, here we go little girl... on a magic carpet ride. Okay everyone, I have a secret that I have been harboring from many people and I am going to reveal it publically in this blog. Only a select few of my friends know, but it has been eating me up inside so much lately that I feel it's finally time to put fingers to keyboard and broadcast my secret to the people of the interweb. To some, what I am about to reveal will not be a surprise and to others, they may be disgusted and pray for my soul. I have come to the conclusion that I will be comfortable enough with responses from either spectrum to weather the responses. That is why I chose to compose this blog today. I'm not going to pull a LeBron James and get airtime on ESPN to announce... "The Announcement" or something. So here we go. I am secretly jealous of Sarah Palin. Yes, this is the shameful secret that I have kept hidden for the past couple of years. It all started during the 2008 Presidential Election season when then-Presidential hopeful John McCain selected his then-little known Alaskan governor running mate. Who was this woman? Little was known about her, beyond the fact that she was a woman who was the then-governor of Alaska. She was supposed to be the Republican Party answer to Hillary Clinton, to steal the Clinton votes away from Barack Obama in the November elections. Her sole purpose was just exist. But then, she started making public appearances and... *gasp* speaking in public to the media. This woman was a fool! She speaks without preparation and passes off her opinions as facts. She is an unrepentant right-wing talking head that likes to shoot animals from helicopters and believes in all the things that I don't. She hates liberal bloggers like me because we play "Gotcha!" games with people who whither in the face of facts that are contradictory to their belief systems. In every way possible, I should hate this woman. But I don't. The feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see her Twitter feed or appearances on television and hear her voice on the radio isn't loathing. It's pure unadulterated jealousy. Why should I be jealous of this woman? By all definitions I am smarter than her. I hold more educational degrees than her. And while she could see Russia from her house, I had the control of weapons that could not just blow up her house but most of the houses on the planet. I can name magazines and newspapers that I enjoy reading and for the most part, I don't need to have handwritten notes on the palm of my hand when I speak in public. WHY? Why, then, am I jealous of Sarah Palin? What's MY deal?!? I'll tell you why. Because she is Sarah f'ing Palin commanding ridiculous amounts of money to speak at public events while saying things of little worth while I'm just another anonymous blogger on the internet that reached her readership peak in college as a weekly columnist in a now-defunct campus newspaper. That is what, as Peter Griffin would say, "grinds my gears." What makes Sarah Palin better than me? To be honest, I have no idea. Allow me to do a compare and contrast. Glasses: Sarah Palin wears glasses. I wear glasses. Tie, glasses make both of us look smarter than we really are. Education: Sarah Palin attended Hawaii Pacific University in the fall of 1982 and North Idaho College in the spring and fall of 1983. She attended the University of Idaho in the fall of 1984 and spring of 1985, and attended Matanuska-Susitna College in the fall of 1985. She returned to the University of Idaho in the spring of 1986, receiving her bachelor's degree in communications with an emphasis in journalism from there in 1987. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Biological Sciences with a minor in Criminal Justice from the University of Illinois at Chicago and a Master's Degree in National Security Studies with a concentration on Terrorism from American Military University. She may have gone to more schools, but I think my educational background is more impressive. Poonie: 1 Palin: 0 Elected Office: Sarah Palin was elected governor of Alaska. I was elected Junior Class Vice President in high school. Poonie: 1 Palin: 1 Sarah Palin never finished her term. I didn't really do a good job during my term. No points either way. Controversial Family Members: Sarah Palin's daughter had a child out of wedlock with a guy that eventually posed in Playgirl magazine.  I have a "Homer-sexual" cat that likes to do bad things to Homer Simpson. Poonie and Palin... still tied. While Bristol Palin and the father of her child is more notorious, Milo is definitely cuter and can haz cheezburgers. Public Persona: Sarah Palin likes to speak out randomly about subjects that she has no background in. I like to speak out randomly about subjects that I have no background in. Again, no difference beyond the fact that she gets paid to do what she does. Celebrity Lookalikes: Sarah Palin was mocked thoroughly by the genius comedy of Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live. The celebrity I most resemble is either a Lego, or possibly Jackie Chan in drag. Maybe a Jackie Chan Lego.  Damn... Poonie: 1 Palin: 2. I suppose that's it. Sarah Palin is better than me because she temporarily ran Alaska and Tina Fey does a wicked awesome impersonation of her. And this folks, is my dirty little secret. I am insanely jealous of Sarah Palin because of the influence she wields despite the knowledge void that she has. I almost dare to say that I aspire to be like Sarah Palin because of what she has been able to accomplish with what little intellect that she has. I suppose I can grow my hair longer and put it into a bun for the librarian look. I suppose I can drop my faintly Chicago accent for a Minnesotan one. Okay, maybe not. But the simple fact of the matter is that Sarah Palin yields ridiculous influence over the uneducated masses because of some inexplicable force that allows her to sway the weak minded. I can spout bumper sticker slogans and claim that anyone who disagrees with me is picking on me too. But I won't. I can't. I know those of you that read my blog are smarter than that. I can't bring myself to arbitrarily pick something or someone to blame for all of the world's woes and have people believe me. Because if I can, I'd totally pick the Masturbating Gummy Jesus that I once found in a bag of gummies: And for me to Palin-ize my works would eat away at and destroy my soul. This is why is truly hurts me to admit that I want to be like Sarah Palin. I want to buy her book and read it openly without fear of ridicule and shame. But yet, I don't want to pay to support her because that would feel wrong to me. (And yes, for me to refuse to buy a book is pretty much a big slap on the face. In fact, I own Dennis Rodman's autobiography, "Bad As I Wanna Be.") I want to stand among the masses and say nothing of worth to roaring thunderous applause. I want to spew nonsensical gibberish on my Twitter account and have people follow me religiously. I want to be Sarah Palin. I only hope you can all forgive me and accept me for what I've just revealed today.