Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'....

Well, “What’s YOUR Deal?!?” readers… contrary to what it may appear to be so… I am not dead. It’s been a while since my last rant but now I’m back and I’m not going to keep making promises of regular updates. I will rant when I feel like it and now you all won’t be disappointed when your weekly dose of “What’s YOUR Deal?!?” doesn’t appear in 6 months or more. Suffice it to say, life has thrown me one curveball after another and I’m finally settled enough to resume my fist-shaking anger at the world around me. This “What’s YOUR Deal?!?” is dedicated to my friend Laura, who brought the topic to my attention and of course, I had to run with it and infuse it with my own brand of mockery. Thank you, Laura for giving me the inspiration to continue “What’s YOUR Deal?!?”

On October 16, 2011, a book entitled Maggie Goes on A Diet by Paul Kramer will be released into an already brewing sea of controversy. For those unaware, this is a book geared towards children that Amazon.com describes as being, “about a 14 year old girl who goes on a diet and is transformed from being extremely overweight and insecure to a normal sized girl who becomes the school soccer star. Through time, exercise and hard work, Maggie becomes more and more confident and develops a positive self image.” Controversial? I personally don’t think so. Granted, I haven’t read the book yet, but neither have many of the people that have taken up pitchforks and torches against it. According to an article on the Los Angeles Times website (http://articles.latimes.com/2011/aug/23/news/la-heb-maggie-goes-on-a-diet-book-20110823):

“The idea of this book makes me want to either cry or scream -- actually both,” wrote a commenter named Adrienne Ressler from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. “It's bad enough that the messages and images in the culture have co-opted most women into loathing their bodies, but targeting the insecurities of young girls, vulnerable to the risk of developing an eating disorder, borders on promoting high risk behaviors and attitudes that are destructive both physically and psychologically. Please take this book off the market.”

Wait… WHAT? Fat girl exercises and eats right to play soccer and that’s apparently a high risk behavior and attitude???

Also in the same article:
"As the book opens, Maggie is called 'fatty' and 'chubby' by kids at school. So she decided to do something about it. She didn’t starve herself but switched to eating foods that were 'healthy and nutritious' and cut way back on junk food, allowing herself a single 'normal-sized treat' once a week. She also started exercising almost every day and later joined a soccer team.”

There’s nothing about that concept that screams, “OMG ANOREXIA!!!!” Heck, this page of the book is FAR more destructive physically and psychologically than any else I can imagine:




So… let me get this straight: healthy diet and exercise is bad… but double fisting a sandwich and a chunk of cheese in the middle of the night in front of your fridge is somehow okay for children to do? I think if I was doing that, there would be something seriously physically and psychologically wrong with me for me to think that stuffing my face with random fridge food is the answer. But no. People apparently want to be able to do that and anything less is telling children to develop an eating disorder. What is WRONG with you people?!? What. Is. YOUR. Deal?!? Is there no room for a happy medium between binge eating and anorexia? Why can’t people just eat healthy and exercise? Is that so hard for society to accept? And Maggie, the girl in the book, wants to play soccer. I’ve played soccer, albeit not well, but I’ve played and I’ve refereed the game, as well as have been a fan of the game for years. I’m sorry, I can’t imagine anorexia and elite soccer player being in the same universe. Because, Abby Wambach will crush you:



That is not the picture of anorexia...

Are we so afraid of the next generation disapproving of our gluttony? Are we so petrified that Southwest Airlines will deny us a seat on an airplane because it’s not the seat, but the SEATS that we need to park our gargantuan posteriors? Are we the generation that sues White Castle because we can’t fit into the booths? Yes, a man is suing White Castle because he can’t fit into the booth (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/11/martin-kessman_n_957663.html?ir=Weird%20News). What a dude that can’t fit into a booth wants with tiny little White Castle burgers is beyond me. There is an alternative other than being morbidly obese and assisted waddling down the path to embarrassing lawsuits and airport shame and it’s NOT JUST anorexia. Telling your child, “No, eating the entire left side of the menu is BAD,” and “No, you shouldn’t eat straight out of the fridge at midnight,” is not akin to forcing them into eating disorders. If we can’t fix ourselves, we shouldn’t sentence the next generation to the same fate. If your child wants to play a sport, let them do it. It’s far more fun than popping Cheetos and cheese wedges in front of a TV. There’s nothing wrong with this book. There’s nothing wrong with healthy eating. There is, however, something wrong with YOU if you can’t see that. The truth may be buried underneath the 7th level of fat rolls that you have.

You ARE the Problem!

Apologies for this rant being late. I know I'm disappointing the few fans that I do have. But I promise I will try to do better. Because as the Social Justice Ninja, I have taken on the burden and the responsibility to call out and mock those that do harm to the greater good. The Suck Stops HERE. But, since we're on the topic of social responsibility (when are my rants NOT about that?)... I really want to point out my moral outrage regarding stupid people that do things that they think are in the best interests of others, but are totally wrong in what they're doing. Case in point... I was in line getting a burrito at my local Mexican food place. Shout out to Taco Roco, you're no Pancho Pistola's (Chicago), but you'll have to do. But there I was, standing in line waiting to place my order when this family is in front of me ordering food and I overhear their order. The mother turns and asks her toddler, "Do you want some juice?" I was thinking, "Huzzah! Yay to people giving their children healthy beverages like juice and water!" But... like most of humanity that I meet, I emerged sorely disappointed. I should really start to expect idiocy from the people around me, but I keep running into good people! (No offense to you guys, you know who you are!) Anyways, how did this family piss off the Social Justice Ninja? The woman offers her child "juice" which apparently comes in the form of Sunkist Orange Soda. WHAT. THE. F*CK?!? SUNKIST ORANGE SODA?!? JUICE?!? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!? Okay.... let's back track... Juice, as defined by dictionary.com: "the natural fluid, fluid content, or liquid part that can be extracted from a plant or one of its parts, esp. of a fruit: orange juice." NATURAL. EXTRACTED FROM A PLANT. How the hell is THIS extracted from a plant?!? WHAT PLANT?!?!? Here are the ingredients of a Sunkist soda, (as marked on 20oz. bottle): Carbonated water High fructose corn syrup and/or sugar Citric acid Sodium benzoate (preservative) Food starch-modified Natural flavors Caffeine Glycerol ester of wood rosin Ascorbic acid (preservative) Yellow 6 Red 40 Yummy! Red 40! But yeah, this woman was telling her child that Sunkist Orange Soda is JUICE. And we wonder why there are fat kids and fat adults running around. Words cannot express my dismay. There is a fundamental difference between doing stupid things and not being aware of it. Because lord knows and all of my friends know that I do some pretty ridiculously funny things... but I NEVER, EVER WILLINGLY do something HURTFUL to someone unless it is deserved. And what that woman did to her child... is abuse! That's hurting a child by LYING to them. And I'll call BULLSHIT to whoever thinks that they're a better parent than me because I don't have kids of my own at this very moment. The things I say are common sense. Sunkist Orange Soda is not juice. Kool-Aide is NOT JUICE. Sunny Delight is NOT JUICE. When you roll your fat child to my door to Trick or Treat at Halloween, I'm not sure if I want to give your child candy. You can egg my house if you want, but somehow I think your definition of eggs involve the Cadbury kind with the creme filling. Why are people dumb? Children, I understand, are a product of their homes and their parents. Some of them are more or less fortunate than others. The only hope I have is that somewhere out there, a child is reading this blog and thinking, "Wow... Sunkist Orange Soda isn't juice?" If that's the case, then my job is done. Or perhaps a parent will look twice at they're offering their child to eat and drink. I'm not saying don't give them treats or soda at all, just don't lie to them and call it JUICE or call a Gummy Bear fruit. Tell the flipping truth, you lying bastards out there. You're not helping the world, you are the problem. Just because you think Sunkist Orange Soda is juice doesn't make it juice. You are not Jesus or a chemist and you cannot turn Red 40 into anything healthy. Think of the innocent lives that you are destroying with your delusional lies and all those minds being corrupted by the bullshit that you feed them. How can you sleep at night, you monster?! You may band together all of your fat friends and fat offspring to silence my truth, but I doubt you can fit through my door much less come up my stairs. So, yes, ASSHOLE, I'm talking to you and your kind. I can only hope my rant today can help liberate the minds of those that you have brainwashed and hurt. Fight stupid.

Perhaps logic WILL prevail... probably not.

Greetings readers! I know, it's a Saturday night and normally I post these rants on Sunday mornings, but I will be busy tomorrow and rather than getting angry Facebook wall posts from my friend Mentos for not posting a new rant... I'm doing so now. Shout out to Mentos! I just want the world to make sense sometimes, rather than this, which still boggles my mind... Watch this video at the 1:15 or so mark about the Tango Makes Three book:

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Seriously? A book about gay penguins tops the list of banned books yet again? Clearly, America did not read this old blog entry of mine: http://pooniethegreat.blogspot.com/2009/01/special-update-news-that-make-you-go.html The United States of America... the alleged shining beacon of hope, freedom, and humanity chooses to ban books about penguins while China, a shining beacon of Communism and state-sponsored censorship let two penguins get married. Am I the only one that sees something wrong with that concept? It's a book about a penguin family... not porn! You close-minded folks sure are perverted if all you think about are the private lives of Arctic animals. How can something this adorable be wrong? And how about this to twist your medula oblongata? Midwestern stalwart Iowa allows gay marriages while supposedly liberal hippie California doesn't? Holy Jebus people! The world has gone insane... Okay, before everyone's brain explodes in a less than spectacular gurgle of gray matter... I offer you one small victory in our ongoing fight against the airline industry: http://www.wgntv.com/landing/?United-Airlines-bumping-bigger-passenger=1 &blockID=267721&feedID=209 In case the link doesn't work... here are the key excerpts: "Passengers who are too large to fit comfortably in a coach seat will be required to buy a second ticket or upgrade to business class, where seats are larger, if United's flight attendants can't find two open seats for them. The Chicago-based carrier said it decided to adopt the tougher policy after receiving more than 700 complaints last year from passengers 'who did not have a comfortable flight because the person next to them infringed on their seat,' spokeswoman Robin Urbanski said. Most airlines in the U.S. spell out similar rules in a legal document called the 'contract of carriage' that establishes services and charges for flights, airline analysts said." Sidenote: 700 complaints? That's it? I think there are more people that quietly suffer without telling anyone or perhaps post their stories on this wonderful website: http://flightsfromhell.com/ Anyways, the article continues with a mention of a fat people fighting for their right to be fat and this: "'We'll first try to re-accomodate you on another seat on the flight,' Urbanski said. "If the flight is full, and that's not often the case these days, you'll be bumped from the flight." If this occurs, passengers will be forced to either find a flight with open seating or be required to buy two seats or an upgrade to a class of service with wide seats. If seating is not available and a passenger decides not to travel, the ticket will be refunded without any penalty, even if it is a non-refundable ticket." HALLELUJAH!!!!! But before anyone gets all up in arms about discrimination against fat people... think about this logically. Consider these points... (1) If your bags are too heavy, you get charged extra. (2) If you take too many bags with you, you get charged extra. (3) I fly with my cat a lot and despite the fact that he doesn't take up any more room beyond the carry-on space underneath the seat in front of me... I have to pay extra for him. And about point number 3... don't you dare give me a sob story about how people may be offended by the smell or may be allergic to the cat. Milo doesn't smell (neither did the late, great Monty) and even if he does, it's nothing compared to some of the funky fresh people I've had the pleasure of sitting next to. So... if you take up more room than what is allotted to you... why shouldn't you be charged extra? Why do I have to pay full price for half the space? I am entitled not to have your fat rolls touching me. No, it's not discrimination... you PHYSICALLY DON'T FIT IN THE SEAT. How about I put it this way... There's a plane... open seating... but there is a weight limit. Technically, there are enough seats for everyone... however, if everyone boards the plane... the plane will crash because it's too heavy to fly. If it's my tubbalicious butt causing imminent doom... um, I wouldn't fly on that plane. It's not discrimination... it's PHYSICS. Besides, being fat is a lifestyle choice... your fat rolls don't really have to come out... You don't need to rub that in our faces. What you do in the privacy of your own kitchen is your own business. I just don't want my family and my children exposed to your lifestyle. I might catch obesity from you, just by sitting next to you. I don't need you to try to convert me to your immoral acts of deviancy... (I can keep going with this...) So... let's summarize... gay penguin family is bad... fat people demanding more room for themselves at the expense of everyone else is okay? Hmmm... Yeah. Rock on. But... kudos to United Airlines for fighting the good fight.