Monday, October 13, 2008

I'm sorry fat people...

This is going to be one of my more offensive postings. I apologize in advance to anyone I offend... because I know I will offend you.

Airline travel is quickly becoming, for lack of a better phrase, ass-pain. You have to pay to check bags... pay to eat... pay for the little oxygen masks that come down when the plane depressurizes... Okay, so I'm kidding about the last part. Although, I'm not sure how farfetched that could be in the future. "Please deposit $5 for 20 minutes of oxygen. $1 for each additional minute."

Anyways, I digress.

I know it's the rising cost of fuel that is driving planes to be more cramped and more expensive. Fabulous. But I'm still forking over a helluva lot of money to get from point A to point B uncomfortably. With the increasing shrinkage of seating room and massive expansion of the American waistline, planes are a murder waiting to happen.

I've flown repeatedly this past year and I've flown regularly in the past. I also concede, I'm not the more lithe of individuals, but I'm not FAT. I do not spill over into my neighbor's seat. I do not have fat rolls that inhibit the arm rest from coming down. I do not have Chewbacca arms that are Brillo pads rubbing against my neighbor. Every time I get off the plane, I feel like I need to de-louse myself.

It's not that I don't like fat people... I have fat friends. I'm getting fat myself, but the moment I realize that my fatness is impeding the ability of the Earth to rotate on its axis... there's a problem.

Case in point: I was on a flight once, a fat couple wouldn't sit next to each other... why? "It's uncomfortable," they said. GEE. YA THINK?! Instead of them annoying each other with the collision of planetary bodies, they split up... and I get an unnecessary glutteal intrusion into MY personal space.

This past flight I was on, I was sitting next to a rather robust woman. The pilot came up on the speaker telling us that the plane was "tail heavy" and requested two passengers move up forward. Her Royal Lardness didn't move... two skinny guys did. She probably poops their combined weight on a hourly basis. So... for two hours... I was trapped between Blubberina's tub and the wall of the plane.

Do people not REALIZE that they are THAT annoyingly offensive? It's like people that smell bad. Seriously... people around you are vomiting... does it not cross your mind that it's YOU?
If there are regulations governing checked bags and carry-on sizes... I think there should be a size limit on passengers. If you don't fit in the chair you are assigned, you have to buy another seat or you shouldn't be allowed to board. I mean, it makes more sense than airlines charging people up the wazoo for everything else. Fat people need to pay their debt to society... and not just their McDonald's tab.

I paid for 1 seat on an airplane. Not 3/4 or 1/2 of what I'm entitled to. You need to pay me for spatial distress.