Friendship Assault: The Hidden Danger

Going back on some of my more recent blog entries, I've realized that I've veered off course from from the origins of What's YOUR Deal?!? This is one that returns it back to its roots... enjoy...

According to Wikipedia:

"In criminal law, rape is an assault by a person involving sexual intercourse with another person without that person's consent. Outside of law, the term is often used interchangeably with sexual assault, a closely related (but in most jurisdictions technically distinct) form of assault typically including rape and other forms of non-consensual sexual activity."

Rape is something that is serious and can cause significant emotional and physical damage to the victims. It is a topic that should not be taken lightly. However, there is a similar injustice that is being perpetrated by people that we know and interact with everyday. The victims suffer emotional trauma but often have no recourse or support because no one has defined this injustice... until now.

Sexual rape and assault is a known crime and the consequences are severe. But today, I want to inform you, my tiny readership, about Friendship Rape and Assault. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, Hyperbole and a Half did a great graphic representation of a scenario that we can all relate to, Level 3 of Social Entrapment:

Hyperbole and a Half: The Four Levels of Social Entrapment

She refers to it as The Trap. But, she does not address the aftermath of this assault. What happens to the poor man sitting with his coffee as he is victimized by Friendship Assault?

While they have similarities, the difference between a sexual predator and a friendship predator is that generally, the friendship predator does not seem to be aware of the trauma they are inflicting on those around them. We all know these people. They are the ones we socialize with because we work with them and feel obligated to do so. They are the ones that are friends of other friends. They are the people we have absolutely nothing in common with, but for some reason we pity them and befriend them. They are the old friends that you have drifted apart from, but they still think you're their best friend. They are the ones that guilt trip you into being their friend. They are the ones that read this list and think that I am talking about them and will make me feel guilty for calling them out on their own behavior. And as you are reading this list, you can envision some of the friendship predators that are in your lives. You may feel a tinge of guilt and sympathy for these people, but that is their trap. They are predators and you have just been victimized.

Friendship predators generally have low self-esteem and are socially awkward. They most likely do not know that they are friendship predators. They may believe that they are awesome and try very hard to fit into a friendship circle that they do not belong in, much to the irritation of those around them. They are the people that will read that statement and have a sudden urge to apologize to me for being a friendship rapist. Or they may get very angry at me for calling them out in this blog. Or worse, they will try to guilt me into remaining friends with them. This is a vicious cycle that must be broken. This is a bad relationship that must be ended.

True friends are people you want to hang out with and the feeling is mutual. You have common interests, you share good times and bad times, and nothing is ever held over you as blackmail. Acts of kindness are not tallies to be kept track of. No one ever knows whose turn it is to buy a meal. True friends are the people that even after a long stressful day, you're lying half-asleep in bed, and you get a phone call, you'd still throw your bra back on and rush off to help. And most importantly, true friends won't keep reminding you that they did that one time several years ago.

Friendship rapists can never let go of the past. They will remember every little thing that they ever did for you and will make you feel guilty about it. They will make themselves seem like heroes and you're the damsel in distress. Clearly, without their friendship and assistance, you would have died. Friendship rapists will regale you with stories of the good old days and how awesome that one time you did something was... but yet have nothing useful to contribute to new fantastically better memories. They try to dominate you socially and attempt to make you think that you are helpless and they are better than you.

So what can we do about friendship assault? It is clearly not a victimless crime. While there are no statistical studies to document this phenomena, I believe that the percentage of Americans affected by friendship assault is close to 100% of the population. We all know of someone that is a friendship rapist, a victim of friendship assault, or is unwittingly a friendship predator. My friends and I have established a coalition of those willing to help combat the effects of friendship assault. We have created the Friendship Assault Response Team and have had t-shirts made:

F.A.R.T. Shirt

You too, can start your own chapter of F.A.R.T. in your local area to help those like the one that Hyperbole and a Half documented on her blog.

F.A.R.T. offers several suggestions to help ease the suffering of those victimized by friendship predators:

1. Never put yourself in a situation where you are alone with a friendship predator. Call a fellow F.A.R.T. member for backup.

2. If you are alone, without backup, quickly call someone on the phone, start texting, or start doing something else to occupy yourself and use that as an opportunity to avoid contact.

3. Claims of diarrhea will almost always get you out of awkward social situations.

4. Friendship predators will never take you seriously if you just tell them that they are a waste of space, f***ing idiots, or that you will kill them if given the opportunity, among other choice words. Trying to do so, would be fruitless. Your best bet is escape and avoidance.

5. If you are a friendship predator reading this, you can stop the cycle of friendship rape. Go find other friends that may appreciate you more.


If this helps save just one victim of friendship assault, then my job is done.


NOTE: To my friends out there, if this post makes you feel guilty, then go kill yourself. Not even I can help your pitiful self-esteem. If you thought this was funny, then you are a true friend (or a delusional friendship predator).