You ARE the Problem!

Apologies for this rant being late. I know I'm disappointing the few fans that I do have. But I promise I will try to do better. Because as the Social Justice Ninja, I have taken on the burden and the responsibility to call out and mock those that do harm to the greater good. The Suck Stops HERE. But, since we're on the topic of social responsibility (when are my rants NOT about that?)... I really want to point out my moral outrage regarding stupid people that do things that they think are in the best interests of others, but are totally wrong in what they're doing. Case in point... I was in line getting a burrito at my local Mexican food place. Shout out to Taco Roco, you're no Pancho Pistola's (Chicago), but you'll have to do. But there I was, standing in line waiting to place my order when this family is in front of me ordering food and I overhear their order. The mother turns and asks her toddler, "Do you want some juice?" I was thinking, "Huzzah! Yay to people giving their children healthy beverages like juice and water!" But... like most of humanity that I meet, I emerged sorely disappointed. I should really start to expect idiocy from the people around me, but I keep running into good people! (No offense to you guys, you know who you are!) Anyways, how did this family piss off the Social Justice Ninja? The woman offers her child "juice" which apparently comes in the form of Sunkist Orange Soda. WHAT. THE. F*CK?!? SUNKIST ORANGE SODA?!? JUICE?!? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!? Okay.... let's back track... Juice, as defined by dictionary.com: "the natural fluid, fluid content, or liquid part that can be extracted from a plant or one of its parts, esp. of a fruit: orange juice." NATURAL. EXTRACTED FROM A PLANT. How the hell is THIS extracted from a plant?!? WHAT PLANT?!?!? Here are the ingredients of a Sunkist soda, (as marked on 20oz. bottle): Carbonated water High fructose corn syrup and/or sugar Citric acid Sodium benzoate (preservative) Food starch-modified Natural flavors Caffeine Glycerol ester of wood rosin Ascorbic acid (preservative) Yellow 6 Red 40 Yummy! Red 40! But yeah, this woman was telling her child that Sunkist Orange Soda is JUICE. And we wonder why there are fat kids and fat adults running around. Words cannot express my dismay. There is a fundamental difference between doing stupid things and not being aware of it. Because lord knows and all of my friends know that I do some pretty ridiculously funny things... but I NEVER, EVER WILLINGLY do something HURTFUL to someone unless it is deserved. And what that woman did to her child... is abuse! That's hurting a child by LYING to them. And I'll call BULLSHIT to whoever thinks that they're a better parent than me because I don't have kids of my own at this very moment. The things I say are common sense. Sunkist Orange Soda is not juice. Kool-Aide is NOT JUICE. Sunny Delight is NOT JUICE. When you roll your fat child to my door to Trick or Treat at Halloween, I'm not sure if I want to give your child candy. You can egg my house if you want, but somehow I think your definition of eggs involve the Cadbury kind with the creme filling. Why are people dumb? Children, I understand, are a product of their homes and their parents. Some of them are more or less fortunate than others. The only hope I have is that somewhere out there, a child is reading this blog and thinking, "Wow... Sunkist Orange Soda isn't juice?" If that's the case, then my job is done. Or perhaps a parent will look twice at they're offering their child to eat and drink. I'm not saying don't give them treats or soda at all, just don't lie to them and call it JUICE or call a Gummy Bear fruit. Tell the flipping truth, you lying bastards out there. You're not helping the world, you are the problem. Just because you think Sunkist Orange Soda is juice doesn't make it juice. You are not Jesus or a chemist and you cannot turn Red 40 into anything healthy. Think of the innocent lives that you are destroying with your delusional lies and all those minds being corrupted by the bullshit that you feed them. How can you sleep at night, you monster?! You may band together all of your fat friends and fat offspring to silence my truth, but I doubt you can fit through my door much less come up my stairs. So, yes, ASSHOLE, I'm talking to you and your kind. I can only hope my rant today can help liberate the minds of those that you have brainwashed and hurt. Fight stupid.