Tuesday, June 30, 2009
You ARE the Problem!
Apologies for this rant being late. I know I'm disappointing the few fans that I do have. But I promise I will try to do better. Because as the Social Justice Ninja, I have taken on the burden and the responsibility to call out and mock those that do harm to the greater good. The Suck Stops HERE.
But, since we're on the topic of social responsibility (when are my rants NOT about that?)... I really want to point out my moral outrage regarding stupid people that do things that they think are in the best interests of others, but are totally wrong in what they're doing. Case in point... I was in line getting a burrito at my local Mexican food place. Shout out to Taco Roco, you're no Pancho Pistola's (Chicago), but you'll have to do. But there I was, standing in line waiting to place my order when this family is in front of me ordering food and I overhear their order. The mother turns and asks her toddler, "Do you want some juice?" I was thinking, "Huzzah! Yay to people giving their children healthy beverages like juice and water!" But... like most of humanity that I meet, I emerged sorely disappointed. I should really start to expect idiocy from the people around me, but I keep running into good people! (No offense to you guys, you know who you are!)
Anyways, how did this family piss off the Social Justice Ninja? The woman offers her child "juice" which apparently comes in the form of Sunkist Orange Soda.
WHAT.
THE.
F*CK?!?
SUNKIST ORANGE SODA?!?
JUICE?!?
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?
Okay.... let's back track...
Juice, as defined by dictionary.com:
"the natural fluid, fluid content, or liquid part that can be extracted from a plant or one of its parts, esp. of a fruit: orange juice."
NATURAL. EXTRACTED FROM A PLANT.
How the hell is THIS extracted from a plant?!? WHAT PLANT?!?!?
Here are the ingredients of a Sunkist soda, (as marked on 20oz. bottle):
Carbonated water
High fructose corn syrup and/or sugar
Citric acid
Sodium benzoate (preservative)
Food starch-modified
Natural flavors
Caffeine
Glycerol ester of wood rosin
Ascorbic acid (preservative)
Yellow 6
Red 40
Yummy! Red 40!
But yeah, this woman was telling her child that Sunkist Orange Soda is JUICE. And we wonder why there are fat kids and fat adults running around. Words cannot express my dismay.
There is a fundamental difference between doing stupid things and not being aware of it. Because lord knows and all of my friends know that I do some pretty ridiculously funny things... but I NEVER, EVER WILLINGLY do something HURTFUL to someone unless it is deserved. And what that woman did to her child... is abuse! That's hurting a child by LYING to them.
And I'll call BULLSHIT to whoever thinks that they're a better parent than me because I don't have kids of my own at this very moment. The things I say are common sense. Sunkist Orange Soda is not juice. Kool-Aide is NOT JUICE. Sunny Delight is NOT JUICE. When you roll your fat child to my door to Trick or Treat at Halloween, I'm not sure if I want to give your child candy. You can egg my house if you want, but somehow I think your definition of eggs involve the Cadbury kind with the creme filling.
Why are people dumb? Children, I understand, are a product of their homes and their parents. Some of them are more or less fortunate than others. The only hope I have is that somewhere out there, a child is reading this blog and thinking, "Wow... Sunkist Orange Soda isn't juice?" If that's the case, then my job is done. Or perhaps a parent will look twice at they're offering their child to eat and drink. I'm not saying don't give them treats or soda at all, just don't lie to them and call it JUICE or call a Gummy Bear fruit.
Tell the flipping truth, you lying bastards out there. You're not helping the world, you are the problem. Just because you think Sunkist Orange Soda is juice doesn't make it juice. You are not Jesus or a chemist and you cannot turn Red 40 into anything healthy. Think of the innocent lives that you are destroying with your delusional lies and all those minds being corrupted by the bullshit that you feed them. How can you sleep at night, you monster?! You may band together all of your fat friends and fat offspring to silence my truth, but I doubt you can fit through my door much less come up my stairs.
So, yes, ASSHOLE, I'm talking to you and your kind. I can only hope my rant today can help liberate the minds of those that you have brainwashed and hurt.
Fight stupid.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Dear Inconsiderate Motherf*cker...
Apologies for not having a rant last week, I will take personal responsibility for being one of the inconsiderate motherf*ckers I'm writing about this week (actually no, I don't think I'm that bad). I was out of town and didn't get around to writing one. Since I foresee my weekends being busier in the future, I'm now moving my weekly "What's YOUR Deal?!?" rants to Fridays. This week's rant is partially inspired by Shannon. SHOUT OUT TO SHANNON! Enjoy!
Dear Inconsiderate Motherf*cker,
Who the hell do you think you are? What makes you so special and the rest of us so inferior to your delusional greatness? Why, Little Miss Thang must you carry around your little dog in a purse at the store? What part of Service Animals Only do you not understand? I love my cat, Milo, but do you see me taking him everywhere I go? I mean, I get it, I travel with Milo when I go on long trips because I can't bear to be without him for a week or so and it's cheaper than boarding him for that long. I've taken Milo to the pet store so he could try on holiday collars. But I am not taking some little dog in a purse to the grocery store to run errands. Does little Fifi REALLY need to be helping you pick out vegetables? No. Then that begs this question: Do you care so little for your pet that you just consider him or her a fashion accessory? Oh I hope not! I hope little Fifi never clashes with your eyeliner. Poor thing. You're one inconsiderate motherf*cker!
And Mr. Dumbf*ck in your little car taking up the highway, if your little car doesn't go 70+ miles per hour... GET OFF THE HIGHWAY! If your car can't maintain highway speeds going up a hill... GET OUT OF THE LEFT LANE! And allow me to lower my English language skills to help you understand: This ain't NASCAR, ya'll. This ain't no race and there ain't no checkered flag. As for the rest of my readers who understand English, if I'm trying to pass you, it's probably because you're going SLOWER than me. I'm in a Jeep... I don't go very fast... but when I do, I like to keep doing the same speed that I set my cruise control to. If I'm not accelerating and I'm going faster than you... LET ME PASS YOU! You're ain't Dale Earnhardt and I can't give a rat's ass about your jolly jalopy accelerating only when you see me trying to pass you only for you to go slow again when I'm behind you. Thank you Mr. Dumbf*ck, for being a waste of space on this planet.
And oh, I can't forget about you, Mr. Fatf*ck! Yes, the fat f*ck who has probably never partaken in an athletic event but yet makes himself feel better by obnoxious heckling. These are the same fat f*cks that heckle at Pee-Wee football, Little League games, and high school games. I have no qualms about people that heckle the multi-million dollar athletes that are paid absurdly to play a game, as long as the heckling is actually funny and appropriate. However, heckling isn't funny just because you're loud and fat. So shut the f*ck up, Mr. Fatf*ck.
So please, all you inconsiderate motherf*ckers out there take heed and stop.
Thank you.
Dear Inconsiderate Motherf*cker,
Who the hell do you think you are? What makes you so special and the rest of us so inferior to your delusional greatness? Why, Little Miss Thang must you carry around your little dog in a purse at the store? What part of Service Animals Only do you not understand? I love my cat, Milo, but do you see me taking him everywhere I go? I mean, I get it, I travel with Milo when I go on long trips because I can't bear to be without him for a week or so and it's cheaper than boarding him for that long. I've taken Milo to the pet store so he could try on holiday collars. But I am not taking some little dog in a purse to the grocery store to run errands. Does little Fifi REALLY need to be helping you pick out vegetables? No. Then that begs this question: Do you care so little for your pet that you just consider him or her a fashion accessory? Oh I hope not! I hope little Fifi never clashes with your eyeliner. Poor thing. You're one inconsiderate motherf*cker!
And Mr. Dumbf*ck in your little car taking up the highway, if your little car doesn't go 70+ miles per hour... GET OFF THE HIGHWAY! If your car can't maintain highway speeds going up a hill... GET OUT OF THE LEFT LANE! And allow me to lower my English language skills to help you understand: This ain't NASCAR, ya'll. This ain't no race and there ain't no checkered flag. As for the rest of my readers who understand English, if I'm trying to pass you, it's probably because you're going SLOWER than me. I'm in a Jeep... I don't go very fast... but when I do, I like to keep doing the same speed that I set my cruise control to. If I'm not accelerating and I'm going faster than you... LET ME PASS YOU! You're ain't Dale Earnhardt and I can't give a rat's ass about your jolly jalopy accelerating only when you see me trying to pass you only for you to go slow again when I'm behind you. Thank you Mr. Dumbf*ck, for being a waste of space on this planet.
And oh, I can't forget about you, Mr. Fatf*ck! Yes, the fat f*ck who has probably never partaken in an athletic event but yet makes himself feel better by obnoxious heckling. These are the same fat f*cks that heckle at Pee-Wee football, Little League games, and high school games. I have no qualms about people that heckle the multi-million dollar athletes that are paid absurdly to play a game, as long as the heckling is actually funny and appropriate. However, heckling isn't funny just because you're loud and fat. So shut the f*ck up, Mr. Fatf*ck.
So please, all you inconsiderate motherf*ckers out there take heed and stop.
Thank you.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
June 6th... the Awesomest Day in History... Or Not..
Welcome to yet another early edition of What's YOUR Deal?!? Again, I will be spending my Sunday down at the Home Depot Center in Carson, CA supporting the fledgling WPS (Womens Professional Soccer) league. But this one couldn't have been better planned for a better day in terms of pure historical coolness.
June 6th, 1944, 55 years ago, Allied Forces landed on the beaches of Normandy. This was a historical event that changed the course of human history. President Barack Obama said in a speech today, "Friends and veterans, what we cannot forget — what we must not forget — is that D-Day was a time and a place where the bravery and selflessness of a few was able to change the course of an entire century," and that, "the sheer improbability of this victory is part of what makes D-Day so memorable."
It's amazing how easily we all forget the freedoms that we all enjoy and for some, take for granted, was earned upon the coat tails of the generations before us. Where would we be as Americans had it not been for those that fought in the Revolutionary War? Where would we be if Abraham Lincoln did not fight for a "more perfect union?" Where would we be without those that gave their lives on the beaches of Normandy, the rest of Europe, or the Pacific theater during World War II? Where would we be without those that fought for civil rights and equality for men, women, and people of all races? Where would we be? It's only appropriate that the first part of my blog today delivers a hearty shout-out to those that helped pave the way for people like me to not be thrown into a gas chamber somewhere. I salute all of you.
Let's flash forward to June 6th, 1984, height of the Cold War. On that day, Alexey Pajitnov designed and programmed the greatest game of all time: Tetris. Even while the United States and the Soviet Union had nuclear missiles were pointed at each other and the Doomsday Clock ticked closer to midnight... Tetris of all things found its way out of there and into the homes of people worldwide. Such a simple game involving logic, intellectual speed, and infinite strategic possibilities has lasted through the Cold War and is still going strong on video game consoles, handheld games, computers, graphing calculators, cell phones, and assorted other media. Thank you Mr. Pajitnov for creating Tetris and giving people like me something to do in long boring lectures in high school and college.
Now let's flash forward to today. Not quite the awesomest day in history, at least I hope it won't be looked upon in that light decades from now. Today is Protest the Pill Day '09. Yay American Life League, we meet again. If you would recall, the American Life League is the organization that accused Dunkin' Donuts of supporting abortions by giving out free "Freedom to Choose" donuts before President Obama's Inauguration. And I never did get an answer to the question I asked them, "Are the jelly ones extra abortiony?" Oh well. This group says on their event website http://www.thepillkills.com:
"On Saturday, June 6, pro-lifers across the country will be participating in the largest protest ever against the birth control pill and other birth control products. Last year, participants across the United States shared the facts on exactly how the pill kills babies. This year, we will expose the sordid details surrounding the tragic effects these chemicals have on women. We will emphasize the truth about how the pill kills women."
I'm all for the power to chose... if someone doesn't want an abortion, that's fine. If someone wants to get one, it's not for me to judge them, nor is it for these anti-abortion groups to do so either. Especially not by killing doctors that perform abortions like Dr. George Tiller, who was recently murdered. Oh, by the way, his funeral is today also. Great timing guys... great timing.
It is amazing that of all the things that have occurred on June 6ths throughout American history, that there are still groups fighting to take away the rights to choose that those that stormed the beaches of Normandy 55 years ago fought and died for to protect. How through the oppression of the Cold War-era Communist Soviet Union, a world-wide phenomenon found its way through in the form of Tetris. And today, we have doctors getting killed for what they do because certain groups and people think that their views are better than everyone else's. I not knocking people that think their views are better, don't get me wrong. Because honestly, I think my views are better than most people's. That's why I write this blog. But I'm not going to kill you if you disagree with me. I'm just going to publically mock you and hopefully shame you into a better way of thinking.
I'm actually glad that the theme to The Pill Kills has changed since they did it last year. Last year, they essentially said that taking birth control is the same as getting an abortion.
Here is an excerpt from this site http://catholicexchange.com/2008/05/08/112400/:
"As you know from the information you read on our web site: www.thepillkills.com, the birth control pill has three modes of action, one of which results changes in endometrium which reduces the likelihood of implantation. This of course means that the preborn child is not able to implant so that he can continue to grow, and he dies. This is chemical abortion."
So, at what point is there life? Can I just think about sex and not have it? Does that make a murderer because I "reduced my likelihood of implantation" by choosing not to have sex? (Ruh roh, Shaggy... she said CHOOSING!) Well folks, you heard it here first. I am a murderer. Yep. I confess. And everytime you spay and neuter your pets... you're an animal killer. Yeah... you're going to hell. Yep, you.
Thankfully, this year they went with a different theme. This time, THE PILL KILLS WOMEN!!!! That's fabulous. But then, so do other drugs. Remember the one I called out before that could cause Tuberculosis? Or how about simple ibruprophen? According to http://drugwarfacts.org/cms/?q=node/30:
"Each year, use of NSAIDs (Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs) accounts for an estimated 7,600 deaths and 76,000 hospitalizations in the United States." (NSAIDs include aspirin, ibuprofen, naproxen, diclofenac, ketoprofen, and tiaprofenic acid.)
AHHHH PILLS KILL!!!!
I seriously think the American Life League is reaching... a lot. But... the course of human history and American history has led to that group existing. Because we are open minded tolerant people. Even if the things they say and do are somewhat ridiculous. So... let's honor this great day by remembering the fallen World War II veterans that paved the way to victory on D-Day, play some Tetris, think about sex, and take some aspirin. There is no better way to celebrate June 6th.
June 6th, 1944, 55 years ago, Allied Forces landed on the beaches of Normandy. This was a historical event that changed the course of human history. President Barack Obama said in a speech today, "Friends and veterans, what we cannot forget — what we must not forget — is that D-Day was a time and a place where the bravery and selflessness of a few was able to change the course of an entire century," and that, "the sheer improbability of this victory is part of what makes D-Day so memorable."
It's amazing how easily we all forget the freedoms that we all enjoy and for some, take for granted, was earned upon the coat tails of the generations before us. Where would we be as Americans had it not been for those that fought in the Revolutionary War? Where would we be if Abraham Lincoln did not fight for a "more perfect union?" Where would we be without those that gave their lives on the beaches of Normandy, the rest of Europe, or the Pacific theater during World War II? Where would we be without those that fought for civil rights and equality for men, women, and people of all races? Where would we be? It's only appropriate that the first part of my blog today delivers a hearty shout-out to those that helped pave the way for people like me to not be thrown into a gas chamber somewhere. I salute all of you.
Let's flash forward to June 6th, 1984, height of the Cold War. On that day, Alexey Pajitnov designed and programmed the greatest game of all time: Tetris. Even while the United States and the Soviet Union had nuclear missiles were pointed at each other and the Doomsday Clock ticked closer to midnight... Tetris of all things found its way out of there and into the homes of people worldwide. Such a simple game involving logic, intellectual speed, and infinite strategic possibilities has lasted through the Cold War and is still going strong on video game consoles, handheld games, computers, graphing calculators, cell phones, and assorted other media. Thank you Mr. Pajitnov for creating Tetris and giving people like me something to do in long boring lectures in high school and college.
Now let's flash forward to today. Not quite the awesomest day in history, at least I hope it won't be looked upon in that light decades from now. Today is Protest the Pill Day '09. Yay American Life League, we meet again. If you would recall, the American Life League is the organization that accused Dunkin' Donuts of supporting abortions by giving out free "Freedom to Choose" donuts before President Obama's Inauguration. And I never did get an answer to the question I asked them, "Are the jelly ones extra abortiony?" Oh well. This group says on their event website http://www.thepillkills.com:
"On Saturday, June 6, pro-lifers across the country will be participating in the largest protest ever against the birth control pill and other birth control products. Last year, participants across the United States shared the facts on exactly how the pill kills babies. This year, we will expose the sordid details surrounding the tragic effects these chemicals have on women. We will emphasize the truth about how the pill kills women."
I'm all for the power to chose... if someone doesn't want an abortion, that's fine. If someone wants to get one, it's not for me to judge them, nor is it for these anti-abortion groups to do so either. Especially not by killing doctors that perform abortions like Dr. George Tiller, who was recently murdered. Oh, by the way, his funeral is today also. Great timing guys... great timing.
It is amazing that of all the things that have occurred on June 6ths throughout American history, that there are still groups fighting to take away the rights to choose that those that stormed the beaches of Normandy 55 years ago fought and died for to protect. How through the oppression of the Cold War-era Communist Soviet Union, a world-wide phenomenon found its way through in the form of Tetris. And today, we have doctors getting killed for what they do because certain groups and people think that their views are better than everyone else's. I not knocking people that think their views are better, don't get me wrong. Because honestly, I think my views are better than most people's. That's why I write this blog. But I'm not going to kill you if you disagree with me. I'm just going to publically mock you and hopefully shame you into a better way of thinking.
I'm actually glad that the theme to The Pill Kills has changed since they did it last year. Last year, they essentially said that taking birth control is the same as getting an abortion.
Here is an excerpt from this site http://catholicexchange.com/2008/05/08/112400/:
"As you know from the information you read on our web site: www.thepillkills.com, the birth control pill has three modes of action, one of which results changes in endometrium which reduces the likelihood of implantation. This of course means that the preborn child is not able to implant so that he can continue to grow, and he dies. This is chemical abortion."
So, at what point is there life? Can I just think about sex and not have it? Does that make a murderer because I "reduced my likelihood of implantation" by choosing not to have sex? (Ruh roh, Shaggy... she said CHOOSING!) Well folks, you heard it here first. I am a murderer. Yep. I confess. And everytime you spay and neuter your pets... you're an animal killer. Yeah... you're going to hell. Yep, you.
Thankfully, this year they went with a different theme. This time, THE PILL KILLS WOMEN!!!! That's fabulous. But then, so do other drugs. Remember the one I called out before that could cause Tuberculosis? Or how about simple ibruprophen? According to http://drugwarfacts.org/cms/?q=node/30:
"Each year, use of NSAIDs (Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs) accounts for an estimated 7,600 deaths and 76,000 hospitalizations in the United States." (NSAIDs include aspirin, ibuprofen, naproxen, diclofenac, ketoprofen, and tiaprofenic acid.)
AHHHH PILLS KILL!!!!
I seriously think the American Life League is reaching... a lot. But... the course of human history and American history has led to that group existing. Because we are open minded tolerant people. Even if the things they say and do are somewhat ridiculous. So... let's honor this great day by remembering the fallen World War II veterans that paved the way to victory on D-Day, play some Tetris, think about sex, and take some aspirin. There is no better way to celebrate June 6th.
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