First off, I hope everyone had an outstanding Thanksgiving filled with fun and family. I love the holiday season; it generally gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling. But then I turn on the television and see frantic shoppers or as I call them the REAL Desperate Housewives beating the crap out of each other to get into stores so that they can begin their shopping before anyone else can. It's at this point where I realize that the warm and fuzzy feeling is merely a mixture of heartburn and gas, because it's definitely not goodwill towards my fellow man.

It's utterly ridiculous how everyone kicks off the annual holiday festivities with fine dining with friends and family and then promptly rushes off to the nearest mall for a brawl over some pathetic little thingamabob to call a gift. True, there's no Cabbage Patch Kid, Furby, or Tickle-Me Elmo this year, but that doesn't mean that people aren't any less vicious. People are getting shot over PS3s and even in my own personal experiences I've once dropped by the nearest Walmart to pick up some batteries and while there I was subjected to pushing, shoving, and some retard with a shopping cart kept ramming me in my heels. What the hell was their problem? Ramming me isn't going to make the Chia Pet they were buying their kid a better gift. So let this be a warning to all of you as the Holiday Shopping Mayhem slowly reaches its full might. Please for the love of all things holy, play nicely. Nothing amuses a person like me more than to see grown adults fighting over something that's going to be sold on Ebay for half the price 3 months later. Hell, it's people like you that makes me enjoy shopping online. You go fight over the last Furby Patch Tickle-Me Pokemon 3… I'll just point, click, and wait for the UPS guy. Peace.

We Live in an F'ed Up World...

It's days like these that I wish I still had a weekly newspaper column where I can bitch about the stupidity in our lives... 'cause quite frankly, someone needs to. :)

First off: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061110/ap_on_fe_st/burrito_or_sandwich_2

This is what America's legal system spends time doing. I didn't realize that there even was a burrito/sandwich debate. Seriously, with all the craziness in the world... a judge had time to declare that a burrito is not a sandwich. Well, no shit. If a burrito was a sandwich... it'd be freakin' CALLED A SANDWICH!

An excerpt from the article: "Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Locke cited Webster's Dictionary as well as testimony from a chef and a former high-ranking federal agriculture official in ruling that Qdoba's burritos and other offerings are not sandwiches."

Thank you, idiots for bringing up a judicial case that was solved by CITING A DICTIONARY! Speaking of idiots, WTF is up with OJ Simpson and his "If I DID murder my wife..."? I suppose if I wrote a book, "If I only I remembered where I buried Jimmy Hoffa..." I would make money too. Oh wait... I had nothing to do with Jimmy Hoffa. Hmmm... The legal system can declare a burrito is not a sandwich... but somehow, OJ Simpson can run free? Seriously now... the only other thing that can be THIS obvious is declaring that dogs are not cats. Maybe I should research this before I say it... 'cause there just might be a legal precedent for that one... I'll get back to you on that.

Now that we're on the topic of crimes and such... someone got SHOT because of a Playstation 3. Why the hell is this society so damned violent? Case in point... we've all seen footage of REAL desperate housewives trying to buy their kids a Cabbage Patch Kid or a Tickle Me Elmo.

I don't think it's the video games themselves that are teaching kids violence. It's the way society works. It's supply and demand. The demand is high... the supply is low... and everyone needs to be cool. Get all three of those factors in there... and someone gets shot. It's not that kids don't realize that violence is real 'cause they've been brainwashed by video games... it's because they realize the profitablity and the coolness of being the first ones to get a PS3 and then they seriously bank by selling it for an obscene markup on EBay or something. Kids know what's up. Sometimes I think a little more than adults do. Not that I'm justifying someone getting shot trying to get the new hottest toy on the market... it's just the direction that society is moving towards and an escalation of previous insanity.

We're becoming a society that is so dependent on a court system telling us what's right and what's wrong. If I burn myself on McDonald's coffee or fall off a Burger King toilet... I'm just embarassed as hell that it happened. But that's not everyone. There are people out there that sense profit and lawsuits ensue... and this is getting ridiculous. I'd be embarassed to even be seen arguing whether a burrito is a sandwich much less put my name to a lawsuit. But people don't get embarassed. They just want fame and fortune to the detriment of dignity and humanity. OJ Simpson... shut the hell up. You got away with murder... leave it be. Don't try to profit off of your original entirely-too-many-minutes slow-ass chase in a white Bronco claim to fame. And people trying to sell PS3s for thousands of dollars on EBay... (Don't believe me? Go see for yourself!) I hope no one buys 'em. They're first generation machines that probably have bugs in them anyways. I can't believe people are getting shot for toys. Or that people are going to be beat up shopping for Christmas. I suppose it's the new spirit of the season. We live in a completely messed up world...

WTF America?!?

Yes, The Deal has been on hiatus for entirely too long.

But... now it returns. However, this update won't be a full article.... Just a wee little blurb:

How ironic is it that Bill Clinton got a blowjob and got into more trouble than Dick Cheney will shooting a guy?

WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?!?

Silly Terrorists Trix Are For Kids...

A short blurb to lubricate your brain juices.

The day will come when the world will no longer be terrorized by terrorists. Case in point: http://ace.mu.nu/archives/072431.php Civilians are fighting BACK against those that want to scare and intimidate them. This is what needs to happen for terrorists to stop. The armed forces of countries in all of their official uniformed glory can only do so much. Once the populace no longer fears terrorism and no longer cares, the effect of terrorists ceases.

Terrorists use violence and other such tactics to draw attention to their cause and to drum up support. But if we just stop paying attention, like the apathetic Americans they say we are... maybe they'll just go away. According to that article... the Iraqis seem to be American-izing themselves quite well. That's what we need. The media needs to hype this up. This should be a rallying cry for all the anti-terror advocates. It's one small step for those that fought back and one giant leap for all of mankind. The world is winning the war against terrorism. We've outgrown the boogeyman. Hey, Bin Laden and Al Qaeda... fear is for kids.

Random thought:If Muslim Extremism is slowly fading into a mild annoyance rather than a threat... are we going to eventually treat them like Jehovah's Witnesses and just slam the door in their face the next time they try to hijack a plane?

Return of What's YOUR Deal?!?

This is my new forum to vent and rage about the little things in life that piss us off, but no one ever really wants to verbalize. Before I begin my first article here, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Emma Poon, former writer of the "What's YOUR Deal?!?" column of the UIC Today. The UIC Today was an independent daily newspaper at the University of Illinois at Chicago that folded my senior year.

Be warned, that I will most likely offend you. But in the process, I hope that my offensiveness brings about enlightenment to both myself and the reader. I'm not afraid to be wrong if you're not afraid either. I consider myself a "militant liberal" but I'm probably more middle of the road than anything else. I think that idiots exist everywhere, no matter who you are or what you believe. Do I consider myself an idiot? Yes. However, you're reading this right now... so I'm one up on you. I'm an idiot with an audience.

Anyways... What's YOUR Deal?!? returns:

Damn you Bob Saget!!!

I blame you, America's Funniest Home Videos. Some people may want to place the blame on the influx of reality television on MTV and "The Real World" or "Road Rules" series. But it's NOT them; they were two years late. And it's definitely not the fault of Survivor, they were at least a decade behind. It's all Bob Saget and America's Funniest Home Videos. They are the ones that brought the daily idiotic moments of regular people's lives into the living rooms of everyone else. They are the ones that started the phenomenon of people being rewarded monetarily for being stupid. That show spawned a generation that want to be nothing more that court jesters for the largest court of all, the court of humanity.

The basic premise of television is a group of random people, doing random things, for no apparent reason but to entertain the mindless watchers of the television set. But suddenly... you didn't need to be an attractive actor or actress to be seen on TV. And you didn't need to be a redneck criminal appearing on COPS to be a regular Joe or Jane on TV. You didn't need to have a special skill or absurd talent to appear in something like That's INCREDIBLE! Suddenly, stupid people caught on tape was popular. I mean, on a daily basis... we all do some crazy things. We all have some crazy experiences that people around us would laugh at. Bob Saget and America's Funniest Home Video provided an outlet for those experiences that were caught on tape to be shared with millions of people. So we not only can laugh AT you... we're also laughing AT you... WITH a lot of other people too.

Conceptually, it was hilarious. People doing dumb things, getting hurt in dumb ways, were suddenly rewarded with the laughter of the masses and if they were REALLY funny, they got the cash prize at the end of the show. Dance, monkeys... DANCE! I remember watching that show as a kid and laughing hysterically at the low-brow humor and related to some of the stuff that happens to other people. I think it honestly brought humanity together to see that we are all really that stupid. Then it changed. Slowly... the videos that were shown were getting more and more absurd... more and more... staged, perhaps? And so it began... reality TV... stopped reflecting reality. It's people doing things for money on TV. And it definitely wasn't Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, The Price Is Right, or Family Feud.

I don't even know why it's called reality TV any more. Reality TV... is the surveillance camera at the 7-Eleven. Reality TV isn't supposed to be entertaining all the time. Reality TV is supposed regular people when things happen to them, not when they make things happen to them to up their chances of winning money. Reality TV has gotten fake... it's practically scripted, if not by the producers, then it's by the people that partake in the experience. If that's not enough, TV shows are made for the sole purpose of abusing the idiots that want their 15 minutes of fame under the pretense of a game show! How else can you explain shows like Survivor, Fear Factor, American Idol, The Swan, Who's Your Daddy?, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? or the countless other "reality" TV shows out there? People are willing to sacrifice their dignity for money. It's the prostitution of stupity and Bob Saget was the first pimp. Shame on you, Bob Saget... shame on you.

Can't We All Just Get Along?!

Speaking of reality TV, it's February and it's the infamous "Sweeps Period" in TV-land. This just means that networks and programming gets even more risque and absurd to draw more viewers in. Joy. So I was channel flipping and I came across this show called, "Wife Swap." Yeah... see above. If this isn't the prostitution of stupidity, I don't know what is. But this one was somewhat interesting... either that, or I'm getting dumberer. This one involved an inter-racial conservative Texas couple living in this high-class mansion and a middle class lesbian couple. Oh the hijinks that'll ensue! Pardon me as I roll my eyes. The show went on, with the sappy anvils dropping upon the heads of the viewers. Oh, look at the way they interact. Awww... look at this... awww... look at that. Gags. TV has become a zoo for humans. And you can't even feed them peanuts through the screen.

I digress, then it got interesting... at the end of the show, the two couples met face to face and here I am thinking, awww... here comes the reconsiliation of conservatives and liberals. Bull. I was shocked at the way the conservative wife went off on other wife. She said things like she was fearful of her children because the lesbian "sexual predator" was in her house for that amount of time. She called the lesbian couple's life a choice and all the stereotypical religious rhetoric that we've all come to expect through our vast amount of experiences with other people and beliefs via television and the subsequent media bias.

America has gotten a lot more conservative, as evidenced by the vast number of red states versus blue states. But what the hell happened to common sense!? Homosexuality has become quite a topical issue today for debates and discussion, with gay marriage and such topping the list. Why can't people just live and let live? Conservatives say that it's a choice for gay people to be gay... well, I think it IS a choice. It's not as much a choice as what religion to follow. It's the active choice of going with what you feel. Just think Romeo and Juliet. They weren't "supposed" fall in love. But they did and chose to go through with their feelings for all the crap they would have to go through. It's like choosing a college major... you can choose one that's socio-economically acceptable and be miserable or you can choose a major that you're inherently interested in and is good at. People make that choice everyday, gay or straight. The choice to be happy as who they are or the choice is to succumb to peer pressure.

We are taught as little kids to never succumb to peer pressure. We are always taught to be friends with others. We are taught to share and not be bullies. We are taught that everyone is entitled to be who they are. Where is that in the world today? Tinky Winky's gay... Sponge Bob Squarepants is gay... Bert and Ernie are gay! Where is this coming from? Why are gay people scary? Why is there such paranoia? What happened to all those lessons we teach our children that we no longer follow as adults? And yes, not all conservatives are like that... we must not generalize. However, what we see in the media are the extremes. But to quote the psycho conservative woman on TV... "Why don't you pretend to be not gay?" The same question can be asked of conservatives: "Why don't you pretend not to be conservative?" Of course, no one wants to pretend to be something they're not. So let's embrace idiocy and make fun of everyone equally and without prejudice. I had a dream... a dream that one day... Tinky Winky, Sponge Bob Squarepants, Bert and Ernie along with conservatives, Jerry Falwell, and the Bush Administration will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood...

And I woke up... realizing I should've never had that Twinkie before going to bed... 'Cause that'll never happen. And it makes me sad. However, that doesn't mean that as individuals, we can't shed the stereotypes and the prejudice and embrace each other as fellow human beings.

Why Kids Are Messed Up...

Everything is too PC today. People go out of their way to shield children from "bad" things. Why? Kids today are growing up completely warped and parents want to blame something. Parents want the V-chip, censorship in schools, and assorted other things. Why? Kids today, have more information available to them at the stroke of a mouse and a click of a button than ever before. Why not let kids expose themselves to everything that the world has to offer? Good AND bad. Oh wait... it's because parents don't want to deal with explaining stuff to their children.

Yes, children are impressionable and are prone to want to emulate what they see. So, under that paradigm kids we should all be pretty disturbed. I mean, look at the world today. Everyday on the news someone is killed, someone is blown up, someone hurts someone else. Baseball players are taking steroids. Basketball players are raping women and beating up fans. Tsunamis come and rip a chunk out of Asia. That stuff exists in the world and to shield children from it is ridiculous. That just means that instead of having their parents guide them through the muck of the world... they eventually have their idylic bubble world burst and they end up completely messed up without any guidance.

Parents today think that TV and the media will raise their children. That is true. TV, the media, the internet... these are all windows to the world for children and it's a vital aspect in the shaping of their world view. A child without access to all of that will have a limited view of the world, confined to what they physically see and do. A child given access to all of that will be shown everything in all it's raw details. Regardless of whether the child sees it all now or sees none of it now... they will grow up and they will see everything eventually. Whether they're well-adjusted to the real world or not... it's up to their parents and how they're raised.

Or... we can continue to blame everyone but the parents when their children turns out like morons... it's all Bob Saget's fault.

Boobs, Idiots, and Morons...

OH MY GOD!!! IT’S A BOOBIE!!!

We’re still talking about Janet Jackson’s breast. Why?!? It’s a freaking’ boob with a nipple ring hubcap over it. It appeared on TV for a split second (more than a split second for anyone who has TiVo) and all of America became enamored with the biggest “wardrobe malfunction” since the fashion of the 1980s. Why did we have to make such a big deal about it? Why did the Sun-Times run a picture of it in their paper the very next day?

More people know about the boobie than about most other current events. Do we care that a child was kidnapped and killed in Florida? Not really… ‘cause there’s a boobie. Do we care that a bomb exploded in a Moscow subway? Nope… we have a boobie. Did we even notice that a streaker was running around the field in the third quarter of the Super Bowl? Nope, his boobies weren’t as interesting.

It’s sad that we’re mesmerized by one breast. We call it a travesty and horribly inappropriate when a breast was exposed on TV for a millisecond. But yet we enjoy watching it over and over and over and we enjoy talking about it. I don’t know about you, but I can only say “boobie” so many times before I feel like I’m becoming mentally retarded. Actually, I take that back, mentally retarded people aren’t that stupid.

Time Waits For No One…

This school needs clocks… not just clocks… but clocks that work and are synchronized across campus. But no, we get these stupid plasma screen TVs popping up all over CCC with stupid announcements about stupid campus activities that no one goes to anyways. Why can’t UIC just use the money they scam from us for something of actual use and importance? So many times I’m in a classroom with no clock and the professors or TAs are ranting, raving, and babbling WAY over the allotted class time. They think they have more time, I know otherwise, because my next class is halfway across campus where the professor begins class early. This is a problem that easily can be remedied by someone just installing CLOCKS that are SYNCRONIZED in classrooms.

Room upon room, clocks are broken, have the wrong time, or there’s a light spot on a wall where you can obviously see a clock USED to be there. For all the money we’re throwing at the seemingly abandoned UH fountain project and all of those expensive looking plasma TVs everywhere, we don’t have enough money to buy a few damned clocks?!? What the hell is wrong with this school?

Shut Up, Will Ya?

The CCC is a very loud and noisy place especially the Inner Circle where everyone gathers for a meal and to chat with friends. Sometimes it gets to be so loud that it’s nearly impossible to hear the person you’re sitting at the same table with. I guess knowing how to talk with our “inside voices” wasn’t a prerequisite for admission to our fine institution of higher learning. And what’s worse? Random music, random videos, random dance routines, or some other ridiculousness appears out of no where sometimes. What the bloody hell?

I was eating lunch one day and suddenly an amateur DJ set up shop and started blaring really bad music in the Inner Circle. It was rather obvious that no one appreciated the bit of musical appreciation that assaulted our ear drums. People were booing the music and cheering the silence. What’d the moron behind the speakers do? Play music louder. I don’t even know who he was or why he was there. All I know is that if I ever see him, I want to sound an air horn next to his ear! And then there was the day a 5 minute clip of the UIC basketball team kept looping over and over and over. Or perhaps when the gymnasts or dancers or whatever just showed up out of no where throwing each other up in the air. I don’t believe this. How is annoying the hell out of your fellow students doing anything to support your cause? I don’t want to listen to you talking, I don’t want to listen to your bad music, I don’t want to listen to the same 5-minute clip repeatedly, and I don’t want to see you dance. I want to eat in relative peace. I suggest that you take your circus show to Afghanistan and do your little things, maybe after a while, you just might be able to annoy Osama bin Laden out of hiding.

Winter Woes

It IS Winter Isn’t It?

Okay… call me crazy, but this IS winter isn’t it? There’s snow in the air and ice on the ground. The temperature is cold and the wind chill is freezing. Old people are dying in their underheated homes. The stupid groundhog hasn’t made its appearance to announce the coming of spring yet. So I must not be crazy in assuming it is winter. Unfortunately, the insanity doesn’t lie with me, but with the rest of the world… specifically Old Navy. They’re no longer selling winter-wear items like scarves and they’re stocking spring clothes. When asked where the scarves are, the sales associate merely said, “It’s not in season right now. We’re selling spring clothes.”

When I finally lifted my jaw from off the floor, I decided that arguing with this poor kid who obviously had no idea how stupid she sounded wasn’t worth the time. How the hell ISN’T it “in season” to sell SCARVES?!? What the hell am I supposed to do with the endless tube tops and shorts that are on their racks now? I AM COLD NOW!!! If any of you reading this work for stores that are beginning to stock spring items in the dead of winter, please question this policy from your superiors and let me know exactly what they say at epoon1@uic.edu I just might publish the idiotic company policies in a later article.

Speaking of Stupid Winter Policies…

UIC still is inept at salting the walkways and the parking lots. It’s been three years since I last wrote an article about it after I got into a fender bender in a UIC parking lot because of the snow and ice. I’m sure many of you have noticed cars skidding, people sliding, and huge piles of salt in places that no one walks. This is ridiculous. The parking lots are especially dangerous. While much of the lot is relatively ice-free, the individual parking spots are pristine slabs of ice that UIC can host the World Championships of Figure Skating on.

Cars can’t pull into these spots without losing control! Hell, people can’t get out of their cars without nearly killing themselves. The lots are generally pretty empty near the end of the day and at night, so why can’t UIC salt the parking spots then? Wait, I do stand corrected, the handicapped parking spots are salted… for the zero cars that park there on a daily basis. Maybe that’s why there’s a growing number of handicapped parking stalls… it’s to accommodate all the currently able-bodied students that will subsequently break their necks this semester.

And Speaking of Unsafe Practices at UIC…

Many of my classes are in tiny little classrooms that have bolted down chairs for a set number of people with little room for adding more. But yet, why the hell are people sitting in the aisles or on the floor along the walls during classes because there are no seats? If I’m just a few minutes late getting to class, there’s no room for me to sit! And by late I mean, if I’m not there immediately after the previous class files out of there like clowns out of a Volkswagen Beetle. This is ridiculous… I’m paying ever increasing tuition to sit on the wet, muddy floor from the snow that students track in. I’m definitely not getting my money’s worth.

In case of fire, all of us are doomed because it’s not easy to maneuver around in those woefully too small aisles between the bolted down chairs and the little desks that don’t flip up. Not to mention the multitude of students sitting on the floor that would inevitably be trampled to death. Is this what college education means? I would hope not. UIC better pull its head from out of its anus and figure something out. Here are a few suggestions, get rid of the archaic bolted seats and let there be free-moving chairs. Or how about stop cutting classes so that students don’t all have to cram in the ONE section that is offered for a class that everyone needs? Or maybe stop letting students get some override and enroll in a class that’s too full already? Not everyone can be satisfied, if you don’t get the class you need, too bad… take another. This is ridiculous.