Saturday, April 25, 2009

Why Must We Celebrate Stupid?

Again folks, I'm going to be busy tomorrow, so here's another early edition of "What's YOUR Deal?!?" for your weekend enjoyment. But before we begin, I'm going to answer some questions that people have about my blogs. Yes, I actively search out weird news stories to rant and rave about. My sources of choice are usually cnn.com and Yahoo! News. I also make an effort to watch Rachel Maddow on MSNBC every weeknight because we share the same opinions and taste in what is mock-worthy in today's news. It also just so happens that the anti-gay rights movement is especially rant-worthy because... well... two words: Gay Penguins. If gay penguins is so threatening to everyone's sexuality, relationships, and marriage... maybe it's time to look deep within ourselves to contemplate where our fear of penguins come from. Anyways, on to this week's topic.. the celebration of stupid. Another take on this topic can be found on my friend Denise's Facebook. Check it out: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=684524116#/note.php?note_id=106027054504 Last weekend, the annual Miss America pageant was held and I hope I wasn't the only one openly gawking with my jaw-dropped at what I was seeing and hearing. No, not in that way you sex-starved perverts. See, it's thoughts like those that inhibit the rights of gay penguins everywhere. But seriously? That is the best that America has to offer? Miss America, the title of which implies that these women are not just the best their individual states have to offer but also potentially the woman chosen to represent women across America. And it's people like this: Yes, I know that was an oldie but goodies from a couple of years ago, but that's not any worse than Miss California 2009's rumbling, bumbling, stumbling, rambling about "same-sex marriage" and "opposite marriage." Or perhaps her country of California. What exactly is opposite marriage? Isn't that just being single? And then she had the gall to insinuate that she lost the Miss America title because she didn't cater to the gay rights movement. No, dumbass... it's not because you didn't cater to the gay rights movement but because you SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT! I don't care (well, maybe I do.. just a little) that you don't believe in gay marriage, but at least have the decency to TRY to put together a logical argument for or against it. It's not your opinion that I have an issue with... it's the idiocy behind it. Sidebar: Question, is it a pre-requisite to have a glazed over look to be in beauty pageants? Like with your eyes pointing opposite directions? I know I can't make fun of that too much, because I think my cat is the most adorably beautiful creature on the planet and he suffers the same affliction: Back on topic... I know that these are supposed to be beauty pageants not debate competitions, but if all you're really judging on is superficial appearance, why even bother having these women speak? Why does society hold these women to a higher pedestal than say Rachel Maddow? Not to say anyone ever really remembers the names of Miss Americas or even can tell the difference between them and perhaps a Playboy Bunny of the Year... the fact remains that most people would hold the title of Miss America higher than political commentator. Although, that would make a fun trivia game... A list of names and trying to match them to former Miss America or former Playboy Bunny. I digress. We're a society of mindless people saying, "Oooh, pretty!" and ignoring the substance. I'm sure everyone is familiar with LOLCatz. If not the term, then this picture should jog your memory: We're so drawn to the attractive or cute image that our brains apparently completely turn off. "Ooooh, cute kitty!" Cute kitties don't use bad English. Miss Americas shouldn't be brain dead either! I know I'm as guilty as the next person of IMing or texting in short hand. Using "Ur" instead or "your" or "you are" and my abundant use of "prolly." But I also have the understanding that PROLLY is NOT a real word. At least not yet, you never know what bastardized English word will be added to Webster's Dictionary in any given year. That is NOT acceptable for writing a letter or an e-mail or writing on Ebay or Craigslist or even for a personal ad unless you want to share with the world that you are RETARDED. If you're going to sit down and take the time to compose something, then at least have the decency to write in complete sentences using complete and REAL ENGLISH WORDS. "I Can Has Cheezburger" is funny when put it over a picture of a fat cat, but if you're writing to me and you're too lazy that turn that Z into an S and add a freakin' E, you're telling me that I'm not worth that extra millisecond of your time. That isn't just a typo folks, it's pure laziness and it has become acceptable because we let it be. I don't want to have to decipher what you're sending me because it's not in English. It's like trying to figure out what people's license plates say. I've tried to learn Ebonics... but retard typing speak... sheesh, that's too much for my brain. We need to stop accepting laziness and stupidity as the standard for American behavior. Brain dead Miss America contestants does not represent me and for the love of all that is good, I hope she doesn't represent you either. I'm glad you're taking the time to read this blog, you're on the path of recovery. Now go read a book or watch the news.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Perhaps logic WILL prevail... probably not.

Greetings readers! I know, it's a Saturday night and normally I post these rants on Sunday mornings, but I will be busy tomorrow and rather than getting angry Facebook wall posts from my friend Mentos for not posting a new rant... I'm doing so now. Shout out to Mentos! I just want the world to make sense sometimes, rather than this, which still boggles my mind... Watch this video at the 1:15 or so mark about the Tango Makes Three book: Seriously? A book about gay penguins tops the list of banned books yet again? Clearly, America did not read this old blog entry of mine: http://pooniethegreat.blogspot.com/2009/01/special-update-news-that-make-you-go.html The United States of America... the alleged shining beacon of hope, freedom, and humanity chooses to ban books about penguins while China, a shining beacon of Communism and state-sponsored censorship let two penguins get married. Am I the only one that sees something wrong with that concept? It's a book about a penguin family... not porn! You close-minded folks sure are perverted if all you think about are the private lives of Arctic animals. How can something this adorable be wrong? And how about this to twist your medula oblongata? Midwestern stalwart Iowa allows gay marriages while supposedly liberal hippie California doesn't? Holy Jebus people! The world has gone insane... Okay, before everyone's brain explodes in a less than spectacular gurgle of gray matter... I offer you one small victory in our ongoing fight against the airline industry: http://www.wgntv.com/landing/?United-Airlines-bumping-bigger-passenger=1 &blockID=267721&feedID=209 In case the link doesn't work... here are the key excerpts: "Passengers who are too large to fit comfortably in a coach seat will be required to buy a second ticket or upgrade to business class, where seats are larger, if United's flight attendants can't find two open seats for them. The Chicago-based carrier said it decided to adopt the tougher policy after receiving more than 700 complaints last year from passengers 'who did not have a comfortable flight because the person next to them infringed on their seat,' spokeswoman Robin Urbanski said. Most airlines in the U.S. spell out similar rules in a legal document called the 'contract of carriage' that establishes services and charges for flights, airline analysts said." Sidenote: 700 complaints? That's it? I think there are more people that quietly suffer without telling anyone or perhaps post their stories on this wonderful website: http://flightsfromhell.com/ Anyways, the article continues with a mention of a fat people fighting for their right to be fat and this: "'We'll first try to re-accomodate you on another seat on the flight,' Urbanski said. "If the flight is full, and that's not often the case these days, you'll be bumped from the flight." If this occurs, passengers will be forced to either find a flight with open seating or be required to buy two seats or an upgrade to a class of service with wide seats. If seating is not available and a passenger decides not to travel, the ticket will be refunded without any penalty, even if it is a non-refundable ticket." HALLELUJAH!!!!! But before anyone gets all up in arms about discrimination against fat people... think about this logically. Consider these points... (1) If your bags are too heavy, you get charged extra. (2) If you take too many bags with you, you get charged extra. (3) I fly with my cat a lot and despite the fact that he doesn't take up any more room beyond the carry-on space underneath the seat in front of me... I have to pay extra for him. And about point number 3... don't you dare give me a sob story about how people may be offended by the smell or may be allergic to the cat. Milo doesn't smell (neither did the late, great Monty) and even if he does, it's nothing compared to some of the funky fresh people I've had the pleasure of sitting next to. So... if you take up more room than what is allotted to you... why shouldn't you be charged extra? Why do I have to pay full price for half the space? I am entitled not to have your fat rolls touching me. No, it's not discrimination... you PHYSICALLY DON'T FIT IN THE SEAT. How about I put it this way... There's a plane... open seating... but there is a weight limit. Technically, there are enough seats for everyone... however, if everyone boards the plane... the plane will crash because it's too heavy to fly. If it's my tubbalicious butt causing imminent doom... um, I wouldn't fly on that plane. It's not discrimination... it's PHYSICS. Besides, being fat is a lifestyle choice... your fat rolls don't really have to come out... You don't need to rub that in our faces. What you do in the privacy of your own kitchen is your own business. I just don't want my family and my children exposed to your lifestyle. I might catch obesity from you, just by sitting next to you. I don't need you to try to convert me to your immoral acts of deviancy... (I can keep going with this...) So... let's summarize... gay penguin family is bad... fat people demanding more room for themselves at the expense of everyone else is okay? Hmmm... Yeah. Rock on. But... kudos to United Airlines for fighting the good fight.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Apologies and a Hearty Dose of Fist-Shaking...

First off, my apologies for disappearing on my loyal readers for the past couple of weeks. The process of moving and trying to look for the packed away basics is quite an ordeal. Although, I did try to write a rant last week, but the computer ate it when I forgot to save it. I know that apology sounds about as sincere as: But, I did not hit CTRL-S on this computer... Anyways, in the previous installment of What's YOUR Deal?!? I promised a rant on people's inability to understand the concept of getting in line. Seriously? It's such a simple comcept that even little pre-schoolers understand. It's like everyone on the planet think they deserve special consideration, regardless of anyone around them. I know you're guilty of that and honestly, so am I. How many times have you been in line at a cafeteria, fast food place or a concession stand while standing behind someone ordering enough food to feed the continent of Africa ten times over while all you wanted was a drink? I know I've been in that situation too many times to count. And each time I'm thinking to myself, "I better order some fries before this fat bastard in front of me causes another potato famine!" Or you stand there wondering why in the world there isn't an express line for people that really want 3 items or less. I digress. I seriously think some people are as oblivious as this lady (Shout out fo B-Roc for introducing this hilarity to me): Oh wait... that's the parody... The real clip is here: http://www.brendadickson.com/welcomehome.html Before that, I didn't know fruits came "pre-digested." But hold on... that hurt my brain so much I need a break... I think you might too after that. Inhale... Exhale... Inhale... Exhale... You good? Okay, so am I. I was at a nice outdoor Farmer's Market a couple of weeks ago, standing in line to get little mini-donuts. Mmmm... donuts. So, to anyone that's ever been to outdoor gatherings, the lines aren't necessarily straight and unless you're at an amusement park, you're not going to have those ropes leading you around and around like cattle. So me and my friend were just standing there in line, waiting patiently like most civilized people do and then this oblivious Brenda Dickson-esque woman just runs straight up to the window and places an order right in front of me. We look at her like she missed the short bus to whatever assisted-living home she belongs to and she looks at us like she's never seen another human being standing in line before. She then had the ovaries to ask, "Oh, were you in line?" No, we weren't in line, you little abortion that got away... my friend and I just wanted to stand here smelling the donuts without any intention of making a purchase. I know in crowds like that, it could get a LITTLE confusing to some people. But that's why evolution provided us with the ability to communicate. A simple, "Are you waiting in line?" or "Is this a line?" or even eye contact, a raised eyebrow, and a point would get you the answer you need. This is common in women's restrooms... where apparently no woman can urinate without an entourage. Unless you have diarrhea exploding out your anus, through your pants, and down your legs... you have no right to assume there is no line. Considering that woman probably did not have projectile feces... not to mention a donut stand is the absolute improper place to be running towards when the gurgling in your belly demands attention... there is no excuse for that woman to have cut in front of us in line. I give her the hearty fist shake of the week because some things literally make no sense whatsoever and trying to justify it with any form of logic will just hurt our collective souls...