Monday, January 26, 2004

Winter Woes

It IS Winter Isn’t It?

Okay… call me crazy, but this IS winter isn’t it? There’s snow in the air and ice on the ground. The temperature is cold and the wind chill is freezing. Old people are dying in their underheated homes. The stupid groundhog hasn’t made its appearance to announce the coming of spring yet. So I must not be crazy in assuming it is winter. Unfortunately, the insanity doesn’t lie with me, but with the rest of the world… specifically Old Navy. They’re no longer selling winter-wear items like scarves and they’re stocking spring clothes. When asked where the scarves are, the sales associate merely said, “It’s not in season right now. We’re selling spring clothes.”

When I finally lifted my jaw from off the floor, I decided that arguing with this poor kid who obviously had no idea how stupid she sounded wasn’t worth the time. How the hell ISN’T it “in season” to sell SCARVES?!? What the hell am I supposed to do with the endless tube tops and shorts that are on their racks now? I AM COLD NOW!!! If any of you reading this work for stores that are beginning to stock spring items in the dead of winter, please question this policy from your superiors and let me know exactly what they say at epoon1@uic.edu I just might publish the idiotic company policies in a later article.

Speaking of Stupid Winter Policies…

UIC still is inept at salting the walkways and the parking lots. It’s been three years since I last wrote an article about it after I got into a fender bender in a UIC parking lot because of the snow and ice. I’m sure many of you have noticed cars skidding, people sliding, and huge piles of salt in places that no one walks. This is ridiculous. The parking lots are especially dangerous. While much of the lot is relatively ice-free, the individual parking spots are pristine slabs of ice that UIC can host the World Championships of Figure Skating on.

Cars can’t pull into these spots without losing control! Hell, people can’t get out of their cars without nearly killing themselves. The lots are generally pretty empty near the end of the day and at night, so why can’t UIC salt the parking spots then? Wait, I do stand corrected, the handicapped parking spots are salted… for the zero cars that park there on a daily basis. Maybe that’s why there’s a growing number of handicapped parking stalls… it’s to accommodate all the currently able-bodied students that will subsequently break their necks this semester.

And Speaking of Unsafe Practices at UIC…

Many of my classes are in tiny little classrooms that have bolted down chairs for a set number of people with little room for adding more. But yet, why the hell are people sitting in the aisles or on the floor along the walls during classes because there are no seats? If I’m just a few minutes late getting to class, there’s no room for me to sit! And by late I mean, if I’m not there immediately after the previous class files out of there like clowns out of a Volkswagen Beetle. This is ridiculous… I’m paying ever increasing tuition to sit on the wet, muddy floor from the snow that students track in. I’m definitely not getting my money’s worth.

In case of fire, all of us are doomed because it’s not easy to maneuver around in those woefully too small aisles between the bolted down chairs and the little desks that don’t flip up. Not to mention the multitude of students sitting on the floor that would inevitably be trampled to death. Is this what college education means? I would hope not. UIC better pull its head from out of its anus and figure something out. Here are a few suggestions, get rid of the archaic bolted seats and let there be free-moving chairs. Or how about stop cutting classes so that students don’t all have to cram in the ONE section that is offered for a class that everyone needs? Or maybe stop letting students get some override and enroll in a class that’s too full already? Not everyone can be satisfied, if you don’t get the class you need, too bad… take another. This is ridiculous.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Did Everyone Graduate From the University of Illogical Crackheads?

SUVs Aren’t The Only Things That Rollover…

After graduating high school, I never really thought I’d ever have to carry a heavy load of books in my backpack again. But that is definitely one of those myths about college that needs to be dispelled. I remember when I was a freshman and I had to lug my heavy books from class to class because I had no where else to put them and I needed all of them in class. That sucked. I’ve since lightened the load by either taking classes that required only paperbacks or just not bring any form of bound tomes with me. Unfortunately, the issue of having to haul hundreds of dollars worth of educational texts from point A to point B still remains for many others. So what’s the solution? Rolling backpacks…

I saw some of those things when I was in high school, they didn’t work indoors and they don’t seem to work outdoors. Throughout my time here I’ve managed to see so many rolling bookbag rollovers. It’s actually pretty funny to see someone rushing to class dragging this monstrosity on wheels and it hits a sidewalk crack wrong which causes it to tip and tumble over on its side, resulting in the person losing their balance and momentarily looking bamboozled as to why their bag fell over. With all the ice, snow, mud, rain, or whatever Chicago weather leaves on the ground, it just doesn’t seem logical to use one of those things with their tiny little mini-wheels.

The next time any of you see someone using one of those things, please laugh at them when it tips over. Because it is only fitting that something so ridiculous be ridiculed and mocked by all of those that either just sucks it up and carries everything on their back like a pack mule or those that try to forgo books altogether. In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons: Ha! Ha!

A Military ID IS An ID!!!!

Over the break, my best friend and I went to Bennigan’s and she ordered a beer. Of course, they’d check her ID. She goes to the Naval Academy and her Illinois driver’s license still says she’s under 21, so she pulls out her other form of identification: her military ID card. The waitress at Bennigan’s stares at it, flips it over a few times, examines it, pretty much all but biting it to determine its worth before saying, “I’m not sure if we accept this.” HUH? How can you not accept it? It’s a valid photo ID issued by the United States government. She takes the card to her manager and it takes a long time before she says, “We’ll accept it this time… but next time bring a different ID.” At this point my record not only skipped, it stopped, rolled over like a rolling bag, and jumped out the window.

A military ID identifies someone as being a part of the United States military, it has all of the person’s vital information contained on it, including even blood type. It clearly notates a person’s date of birth, so it did prove my friend’s age. Why wouldn’t the ID be accepted? It’s issued by the United State, which easily trumps the measly state issued ID cards. This is absolutely appalling and ridiculous that the men and women carrying these cards go off into battle endangering their lives in defense of this nation’s freedoms can’t buy a beer with it! The world just is a ridiculously unjust place.

I Get That Crazy, I’m-Getting-Ripped-Off Feeling…

Every semester the book buying and the book selling season are crazy on the student body. Books being bought by students are grotesquely overpriced and books being sold back are disgustingly devalued. I actually sold back a textbook I bought for about $100 dollars and I was given a mere $5 back, because, “This is not the edition we use anymore.” I grunted and accepted this as the truth… but when I went into the bookstore and saw the SAME book, SAME edition, being sold for the price I bought it the year before. Not using the same edition? BULLSHIT. As if that didn’t irk me enough, I paid $37 or so dollars for a packet for one of my classes. When I left there and looked at it, the cover said $25. What the hell is the deal with that? This is a packet! It’s a bunch of Xeroxed papers bound cheaply with little plastic rings! And I’m glad that some professors have us go pick up packets in random copy places downtown just so we won’t be overcharged.

I’m sorry, but the UIC Bookstore has been consistently a symbol of the screwing of the student body via overpriced goods. But there’s almost always little to no choice but to buy your books there because special packages of books are exclusive to there or only they would sell those ridiculously overpriced packets. Professors don’t release what books are needed almost right until the time you need them. It’s hard to go to online and buy a book you need to read tonight for a quiz tomorrow. We’re being taken hostage and our pocketbooks are being raped by a system that won’t allow for any fairness. You need to have a platinum credit card these days to buy all the books you need for a semester. I’m glad this is my last semester. I’m tired of paying too much for ever so little.

Monday, January 12, 2004

Happy New Year!!!

My Country Tis of Thee…

America seems to be getting a bad rap of late. We’re being called bullies and warmongers. Allegedly we seem to stick our noses into the business of other nations where it “doesn’t belong.” On December 26th, 2003 a devastating earthquake struck the country of Iran, killing more than 30,000 people. The United States immediately sent humanitarian aid, medical personnel and equipment, as well as rescue and relief experts to Iran. Despite political differences, in President Bush labeling Iran as a member of the “Axis of Evil” and some Iranians calling the United States “The Great Satan,” America was there to help.

Even though that occurred, Iran still has shunned any more of our help. Regardless, the bottom line is clear: “The Great Satan” cares for the welfare of the global population, how very Satanic and evil of us, isn’t it? If we are truly bullies and warmongers, would we have reacted immediately to help Iran recover from such a natural disaster? How many nations rushed to help Americans when the World Trade Center collapsed? How many nations helped us with the California wildfires? How many times has America gone out of its way to help other nations when all we get in return is to be called Satanic? Unfortunately, it’s been too many times to count.

The United States does get involved in situations where we can just as easily ignore, that much is true. But if your home is destroyed by natural disaster and you have no means to recover, how would you like it if everyone just passed by you saying, “Ya know… I shouldn’t get involved… this is really none of my business.” You would hope for a Good Samaritan to come along and lend a hand. That’s what the United States of America is. We’re Good Samaritans in an age where many would just ignore a problem because it doesn’t concern them. Go ahead and tell the people who have benefited from American aid that we’re evil. We’re just about as evil as firefighters, police officers, and doctors.

Let Me Tell You About REAL Evil…

I was pulled over for a moving violation in late November and I’ve yet to get my driver’s license back from the city. I mailed my check in to pay the fee the day after, like a good little law abiding citizen would and I waited. A month passed and I’ve yet to hear back from the city. After searching their completely uninformative website for contact information for someone to call, I was finally able to get a phone number to call. I figure I needed to find out if they lost my payment and there’s a warrant out for my arrest or something. So I call them and I spent 45 minutes on the phone as they played pass the Poon around.

After finally reaching someone who seems to have drawn the shortest straw or something and HAD to talk to me, she shuffled some papers around and said, “Oh, here’s your citation.” I was tempted to ask her if she wanted to keep the citation under the pile and just mail me back my damned driver’s license. But no… they allegedly processed it that day and I’m supposed to get my driver’s license back within the week. Hmmm… my wallet is still devoid of my driver’s license… bastards.

Mmmm… Mad Cow…

I don’t know about you but I’m absolutely loving this Mad Cow Mania! Most people are freaked out by the newest disease of the month and I’m reaping the benefits. How so? Well, other countries are not allowing US beef to be imported into their country, resulting in a surplus of tasty cow meat stuck in the United States. What are these slabs of meat to do? They’ve got to be sold somehow otherwise the cattle industry will lose a hell of a lot of money. Therefore, CHEAP BEEF TO BE SOLD TO PEOPLE LIKE ME!

People are scared of yet another disease that a majority of us will most likely never get. It’s amazing how a mere mention of something happening can bring everyone to hysteria. Mad Cow is NOT that common. Most beef doesn’t contain anything from the cow’s nervous system. It’s the most ridiculously stupid thing. Let us all just sit back and enjoy the fact that we don’t have West Niles, we don’t have SARS, and we don’t have Mad Cow. Mmmm… cheap steak…. *drool*