Sunday, November 23, 2003

Shit Happens...

Life Is Like A Pile of Feces

It’s getting to be that time of year again when school is getting to be pretty rough, it’s the last few days for those that are graduating in December, it’s the last few days of the semester for everyone else, and second to last semester for myself! Now is also the time we’re all fretting about grades, trying to figure out what we’re getting in what class… hoping we don’t fail and CAN graduate. So for all of you that this applies to, whether it be in life or in school, I present to you, Life Is Like A Pile of Feces:

Shit happens... all you can do is wipe it off and flush the toilet.

Sometimes the shit is hard and it's difficult to get through the process... but you have to push.
But when all is said and done... and you're done with the shit.... you'll feel lighter, as if a great weight is lifted off of you. Then things will be peachy...

Sometimes shit happens so quickly and uncontrollably that you're just left sitting there going, "OH MY GOD! What the hell just happened?!?" But you just have to stay strong, finish your business, and go on with your life.

Other times the shit is small and annoying... but you still have to deal with it. You have to get rid of the shit in your life, no matter how seemingly insignificant it is.

Then there are the kinds of shit that are so large and painful to get rid of... they suck. Sometimes it hurts a lot.. but the same thing applies... push through... endure the momentary pain to feel a rush of relief at the end.

Sometimes we think there's shit there... but really there isn't... and we should just stop overreacting... let it all air out... and calm down.

But in the end... shit still just happens... and all we can to is wipe and flush.

Speaking of Shit Happening…

The INCREDIBLY horrid looking face of Michael Jackson has been plastered upon newscasts and newspapers everywhere. For the past week, I haven’t been able to get away from seeing this freak! The fact that Michael Jackson is sick and twisted has been known for years now. The allegations of child molestation have been around for a decade. But yet, somehow we still need to be reminded of such things every time he doesn’t something weird again.

In some places, convicted sex offenders and pedophiles have to have a sign in front of their house proclaiming them as such. True, Michael Jackson hasn’t been convicted of anything because he’s also rich, in addition to being sick and twisted. The court of public opinion has long convicted him of being a pedophile and for the past week, we see to be constantly reminded of the fact.

But with that in mind, why the hell would parents ever let their kid ANYWHERE near someone like him!?! Who, in their right mind, would let their kid go to a “sleepover” at Neverland? Come on now! The parents are just as responsible for the poor kid or kids that have been allegedly up-close and personal with guy that sang a song called, “Beat It.” Don’t even give me that bullshit about doing it for money. “Hey Little Timmy, go over to Uncle Michael’s and let him touch you in no-no spots… it’ll pay for that new Playstation 2 you wanted and college too!” COME ON NOW!! That’s even more disgusting than Jackson’s continual whitening and disappearing nose. This psychopath needs to be in a mental asylum, he needs more help than the Titanic did when it hit the iceberg.

Speaking of Needing Help…

Thanksgiving is coming up this weekend and ‘tis the season to get food poisoning or get mildly injured playing football outside with family. Of course, I do wish everyone a safe and happy holiday season, don’t get me wrong. But if something does go wrong, one would hope that the ambulance can get you to the hospital quickly. Unfortunately, there are idiots out there who don’t understand the concept of pulling to the right for sirens and lights. I was driving home the other day and I saw an ambulance with lights and sirens blaring. Everyone pulled over to let it through, except for this little orange Yugo.

It just kept going, the driver kept looking at her rearview mirror, so she obviously KNEW that there was an ambulance behind her. The ambulance was trying to pass her but it was hard, since she refused to pull to the side. What if the patient was in critical condition and need to get to the hospital as soon as possible and time is of the essence? What if ever second mattered and the driver of that stupid orange Yugo just killed someone because of her idiocy? Think about such things when you’re driving.

Have good holiday weekend everyone!

Monday, November 17, 2003

Idiots Are Winning...

The Celebration of Idiocy…

It’s absolutely amazing how much our society celebrates its idiots. We have Jessica Simpson thinking tuna is chicken. We have rich, snobby heirs to enormous fortunes getting their own TV show so that they can say things like, “My daddy invented cargo pants… and everyone just copied off of him.” It’s amazing that people that are rich and retarded can get a public forum to enlighten the world with their minds. I remember watching the Real World on MTV, back in the day when reality television was a novelty. As much as those kids weren’t the sharpest tools in their little sheds, they weren’t nearly as retarded as some of the people we see on TV nowadays.

Just because America laughed at America’s Funniest Home Videos and just because Survivor was a cool show in its first season with its awesome motto: “Outwit, Outplay, and Outlast” and some pretty interesting characters doesn’t mean that reality television makes good TV all the time. In fact, some of the morons on the boob tube today couldn’t even outwit, outplay, or outlast my belly button lint. It’s sad that these are the people that are representative of and celebrated in our society. What has the United States come to?

“Mmmm… Tastes Like Grandma…”

Ralph Wiggum said that… and speaking of things that seem bizarrely off-kilter today… recently someone turned the Tomacco plant, as seen on The Simpsons, into reality. Evidently the leaves of the plant are tobacco-like and the actual fruit itself is a tomato with nicotine in it. It’s always somewhat neat to see fictional stuff on TV and then have it prove to be reality several years later. This is especially the case with science fiction shows like Star Trek and how their communication devices have somehow turned into today’s flip cell phones.

Unfortunately, people seem to want to take the more useless of things to make them reality. What the hell would we do with a freakin’ Tomacco plant? It contains enough nicotine to kill anyone who eats it. Children are starving, people are poor, diseases are rampant… and this guy makes a freakin’ Tomacco plant. I’m half-surprised he’s not a UIC administrator… their abilities to prioritize seem to be very similar. Or maybe we should just drop Tomaccos onto the people of Iraq. That’d give Tomacco a purpose… and I think I just solved the problem of overpopulation and world hunger.

It’s Really Not That Hard…

Why can’t people flush a toilet? What is so difficult about just pushing the little thingie on the back of the toilet to make your excrement go away? I seem to have really shitty luck (pun intended) when it comes to going to public restrooms. I never fail to always walk into the stall with an ungodly amount of urine or feces sitting in the bowl staring at me.

What are people thinking? Do they think if they just walk away, the pee and poo just disappear? They obviously don’t grow legs and walk away! THEY STAY THERE! I mean, do you just leave shit and piss in your own toilet at home? Have the common courtesy to just flush it. You might as well have just shat on the floor outside the bathroom.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Bit of Seriousness

Iraq Isn’t Over…

Almost everyday I turn on my computer to read the news online and there is some headline about yet another American being killed in Iraq. It’s gotten to a point where more people have died since the “end” of the war than during it. This seems to be an indication that war isn’t over and we shouldn’t treat it that way. People who protested the war seem be accept this loss of American lives as, “Oh, we shouldn’t have been there anyways.” Regardless of whether or not we “should” have been there, we were there and we are still there. Their blatant disregard for human life is morally repugnant.

I’ve said this before, it doesn’t matter if we support the conflict, because no sane human being would ever support war in a manner that he or she would be, “Go war!! YAY for war!!” What truly matters are the men and women that are sent to the conflict, who risk their lives, and possibly can even lose their lives. We are currently in a lose-lose situation. If we do pull out of Iraq and turn our backs so that there are no more casualties, then we will be criticized worldwide for not “cleaning up a mess we started.” If we do stay in Iraq, then we continue to put lives at risk because we’re not there to fight, we’re there to try to help the Iraqi people and this is the exact reason why Iraq isn’t over. Those that are anti-war and anti-American should make up their minds about what the US should do. Because it seems that no matter what we do, we are on the negative end of the public opinion spectrum. Perhaps we should live up the mantle of “warmongers” that has been bestowed upon us and just blow Iraq to smithereens. We should nuke them off the face of the planet and destroy everything there. Let’s rape, pillage, and kill every man, woman, and child that lives there as well. How about we do that? How would that make you feel? Fortunately, the United States of America is not like that and we should stop being treated like we are.

Now That I Got That Off My Chest…

I hope we all enjoy the last Reading Day UIC will offer us. The experimental concept of Reading Day will end after this semester and there will be no more Reading Day in the Spring. Gee thanks UIC. Other schools offer a Fall Break… UIC likes to say, “Screw you.” Other schools offer a Reading Day… UIC tempts us by being nice temporarily before ripping it away from us. If UIC was a human, it’d be the mean bully that would beat little kids senseless, take their lunch money, steal their teddy bears, and builds them a fountain to keep their mouths shut.

Heaven forbid the school gives us an opportunity to study. The official story seems to be that finals get crammed into 4 days instead of the usual 5, resulting in conflicting finals. But in all honesty, with all the class cutting… do we really even have enough classes to fill 5 days worth of finals? It’s not like people never had 3 or 4 finals scheduled for one day before the advent of Reading Day. I have a friend who had that happen to her almost every year with or without Reading Day. And if UIC is suddenly concerned with the well-being of its students… why don’t we keep Reading Day and just drop the last Friday of the semester. We WANT that extra day to study or goof off, or whatever we choose to do with it. Why don’t you stop trying to screw the students over, UIC? Would it really be that bad to put the interests of the students first every now and then? Thank you UIC, you’ve screwed us again.

And On To Other Idiots…

How many times have we encountered a car alarm that just continues to blare incessantly with no hope of stopping? It’s the most annoying thing in the world to see some ghetto jalopy with a car alarm. It’s even more annoying when the alarm is allowed to stay on. Why get a car alarm if you’re not going to run out to your car and check on it to make sure it’s not being stolen? Of course, it doesn’t help that every car alarm has the exact same annoying tones… But that’s beside the point.

Car alarms don’t really deter people, they go off all the time and no one seems to care other than, “I wish that damn thing would shut up!” If you have a car alarm, use it properly. If not, don’t even bother turning it on. All it does is serve to annoy the hell out of everyone around you. Shut the hell up already!

Monday, November 3, 2003

Go Away!

Excuse You…

Is it really that hard just to say, “Excuse me”? Is politeness something that isn’t taught in other countries? I was sitting in the Inner Circle in CCC the other day and I had my nicely ironed uniform jacket draped behind me on my chair when this group of rude foreign idiots decided to sit at a table behind me. Now, the tables are rather close in the CCC and I completely understand that. But these buffoons were trying to sit down and one of them kept shoving at my chair, wrinkling my jacket in what seemed like an attempt to move my chair without my knowledge despite the fact that I was sitting in it. What the hell is wrong with society today that leads to the procreation and proliferation of jackasses like that?!

I wouldn’t have nearly been as pissed off, if one of them had just said, “Oh, excuse me, can you move a bit so I can sit down?” No, they had to start shoving at my chair trying to squeeze into a tiny space. And as if that wasn’t enough, they had to talk and cackle loudly as I was trying to read and study. I also understand that many people at UIC are international students and come from different countries with different customs and courtesies. So let me just inform you now that we in America do not appreciate being annoyed! We may take your tired, your hungry, and your poor, but no where does it say that we take your rude and ridiculously stupid. We have enough dumb Americans to worry about without you!

Get Off the Sidewalk!!!

The weather is still relatively nice and people are still utilizing bicycle as a means of transportation, unfortunately, no one seems to have picked up a copy of the Rules of the Road for bikes. Pedestrians belong on sidewalks and bikes and cars belong on the road. You don’t see people driving cars on sidewalks, so why should bicyclists ride around like imbeciles terrorizing pedestrians?

I bike a lot myself and on the bike paths downtown, bicyclists have the decency to warn you as they pass. “On your left,” or “On your right,” are common phrases used to tell someone that they’re about to be passed up. On the other hand, we also have the brainless bikers that just seem to swerve in and out of pedestrian traffic like a bike messenger under the influence. The next time some moron on two wheels nearly hits me, I’m going to go terrorize bike paths with my Jeep. How does THAT make YOU feel?!?

Hey, Where’s the Timetable?

It’s getting to be that time of year again, when we all will have to pick our poisons for the upcoming semester. Spring 2004 holds a special significance for me, in that it will be my last semester at good old UIC, also known as the University of In-Competence. I register in a little over 2 weeks and the timetable is no where to be found. Other universities have made class schedules available for their students… why not us? Ah yes… rumors have it that UIC dorked up the timetables when they decided to cut, consolidate, slice, dice, and chop classes so much that all the changes couldn’t get to the printers on time.

So what is being done? Allegedly the timetable will be online for us… is it there now? Nope. This is reminiscent of the time the UIC Timetable said “UCI Timetable” and they were delayed for a while as little tiny stickers that said UIC were stuck on the books to cover up UCI. Or how about the U-Pass recall when they were printed with: “University of Ilinois” instead of the proper spelling of our great state? How many more instances of incompetence must we deal with? I guess we’ll have to wait until pigs fly and the University Hall fountain is completed.